14 Crazy Church Posts In Preparation For Easter

 With Easter rapidly approaching, some of us may be planning to attend church for the first time in quite a while. Occasionally while visiting churches I like to pretend that I'm a visitor from another planet and just learning about the culture and customs of church. Here are a few of my posts on social media from these occasions. Important notes for reference: Mr Amy is the Music Director for all of these services, we live in Nashville where every church service is a major production, and I do play the drums.

Enjoy.

You know what the best thing about church is? They serve wine at 8:00 in the morning and no one thinks it's weird.

This morning's episode of Church Service is subtitled "The Wrath of Mom", where the character of Mom forces the children who were not ready on time to drink the substandard church coffee instead of stopping at Starbucks on the way there. Mom's cruelty knows no bounds!!!

In this morning's production of Church Service all parts had been previously cast, so I created the role of "Assistant Sound Engineer" because there are too many buttons on that board for one pair of hands. Plus I really want to mess with the sound levels while people are talking.

As "Assistant Sound Engineer" I have the power to mute anyone who says something I don't like. Carry on, Preacher. Carry on.

This morning in Church Service I've decided to enhance the pastor's reading by replacing the scripture verses with selections from Kerouac.

Good news! I've found some interpretive dancers to join in today's special beatnik production of Church Service. Won't the pastor be surprised when they rush the stage during the 3rd act!

The woman sitting next to me mumbled incessantly throughout the Church Service production, and I found it very distracting and disrespectful while I was typing all my text messages.

In order to make today's production of Church Service more interesting, I've decided that I will only speak using lyrics from songs by The Who.

Pastor: How are you doing today?
Amy: No one knows what it's like to be the bad man ... to be the sad man.
Pastor: Are you okay? Did you have trouble sleeping or something?
Amy: My dreams... They aren't as empty as my conscience seems to be.
Pastor: Let me go find your husband for you.

I love going to church because I always learn something. Today I learned that you're not supposed to use the leftover communion bread to make a sandwich and that "the alter is not a kitchen table."

In this morning's production of "Church Service" I've been assigned to the role of "Congregation Member." I have no solos. As a protest, I've painted my eyelids in the shade of "Yellow Scream." I'm planning to blink at the director so he can see my eyes screaming at him.

Good news! I downloaded a cowbell app for my phone and grabbed a wireless mic. Now I can add cowbell to all the songs from anywhere in the sanctuary!!!

In this morning's production of "Church Service" I'm playing the role of Slideshow Bob. This means that I push the button to change slides on the big screen. I'm thinking about editing the slides to make the service more entertaining.

So... "Running With the Devil" was not the best choice of music for exiting the church service, but I was only trying to get the crowd pumped.

Happy Easter, everyone!

If Godzilla Came to Dinner

I saw Godzilla in IMAX this weekend. After I left the theater I thought: What if Godzilla came to dinner at my house? How cool would that be? In order to make my guest feel more at home, here's a list of things I would do for him:

1. I would make a nice garlic and butter sauce for him to pour over Mothra’s head before eating him.

2. I’d also let him text at the table because it’s rude and dangerous to argue with Godzilla (Are his arms long enough to use a smartphone and see what he’s typing? If not, I’d help him because that’s what friends with long arms are for).

3. I’d laugh at his jokes, even if I don’t understand lizard language.

4. I’d let him breathe fire on the grill to light it so that he can impress everyone else at the party. (“Oh, that’s my friend Godzilla. He doesn’t need matches.”)

5. I wouldn’t make him floss, even if giant bug parts are stuck in his teeth.

6. I’d compliment him on his scales and remark that he looks like he practically just hatched.

7. I’d serve him saltwater as well as fresh, since he lives in the ocean and might prefer the salt water but want to experiment with drinking the fresh stuff.

8. He could drink as much whiskey as he wants before dinner and challenge any of the other guests to fire breathing contests (if that’s what giant lizards do for fun).

9. Most of all, I’d let him eat any obnoxious dinner guests. That would give us something to talk about while Godzilla is digesting the windbag who was monopolizing the conversation. I’d also give him a nice red wine to wash the jerk down, also.


The one thing I wouldn't do is fix him up with a giant female lizard. Those blind date things never work out, regardless of species, and I wouldn't want Godzilla to feel awkward while he was killing his dinner.

My Annual Performance Review

This morning on our daily walk my dog informed me that she had completed my annual performance review. I thought I’d share the results so that other dog owners might know what to expect when it’s time for their annual review.

First of all, I was told that the number of slices of bacon making it all the way to the floor had declined from previous years. This was deemed as both “unacceptable” and “needing improvement.”

Secondly, she cited the numerous times I have asked her to go to the bathroom outside when it was raining. I was told that if I needed to urinate in the rain that I should do it myself instead of relying upon others to do my job for me.

Thirdly (and she added “while we’re already on the subject”), the fact that I close the door while urinating makes it appear as if I have a secret process that I’m unwilling to share with others. I was asked to do my business out in the open instead of acting like I had a trade secret.

She also mentioned that while my stomach rubbing technique is “sufficient in ability” on those rare occasions that I actually do my job it is also “lacking in the required level of frequency.” It was explained to me that doing one's job well is still not doing your job if you're not doing it often enough.

Finally, she advised me to stop picking up her poop when we go out on walks because she spent a lot of time choosing the right spot and she “put it there for a reason.” I was accused of undoing her entire days work by cleaning up after her.

I'm currently on a performance improvement plan. Whether you choose to change your behavior or not, I thought the rest of you dog owners might want to know the sorts of things you’ll be rated upon.

Guidelines for Thanksgiving Dinner Conversations

In order to make the family holiday go a little more smoothly, I've created a list of acceptable and unacceptable topics of conversation for the Thanksgiving dinner table. Some of these are specific to my family, but these lists may serve as a guide for you to create your own handouts for the holiday.

Acceptable topics of conversation at Thanksgiving:

1. The weather. 

2. Amy’s new shoes. 

3. The awesomeness of John Lennon and Freddie Mercury (but only if Amy has had less than three drinks).

4. The parade.

5. Gargoyles

Taboo Topics for Thanksgiving Dinner

1. Your last doctor’s appointment (some of us will be eating, you know).

2. Any stories related to having your tires rotated (Dad — thanks, but we’ve got these memorized).

3. School grades. Anyone caught bragging about his or her grades will be publicly forced to eat the gizzards.

4. People who have not set the house on fire are not allowed to discuss the times those of us did so. However, people who have set the house on fire may discuss their respective events with one another at their own discretion.

5. Lucky Charms. Some of us were emotionally scarred by this cereal as a child.

6. The awesomeness of John Lennon and Freddie Mercury (but only if Amy has had more than three drinks — because then she’ll cry that they’re gone and nobody wants to deal with a weeping drunk sobbing face down in her mashed potatoes).

7. Politics.

I also welcome suggestions for additions. Please post your recommendations in the comments below. Thank you.

Generating Ideas for Stripper Names

I’m not sure what this says about our culture, but I’ve noticed that a number of popular kids’ foods would make great stripper names. So if you’re writing a book and need a good name for a character who works as a stripper or porn star, I suggest you take a look at some of these. It can at least help generate some ideas.

Ginger Kitty

Pop Tart (works better for a man, but you could also feminize the name to “Poppi Tart”)

Hostess Twinkie

Hostess Cupcake

Hostess Ho Hos

Pretty much anything Hostess makes ...

Glo Balls (I really hope  never have to witness this performance)

Tootsie Pop

The Jolly Rancher

Sugar Daddy and Slo Poke

Teddy Graham (possibly an elderly lingerie model?)

This is just the beginning. There are a lot more out there — and notice that most of these are snack foods or sweets. So, perhaps if you think about this long enough it will help you with that diet you’ve been planning ...

Back Injury Stories

I have a friend who recently hurt his back while picking up a ping pong ball. Granted, a person doesn’t need to be lifting anything heavy to get a back injury - I know the spine is a complicated piece of anatomy and these things can happen at any time. However, I told this friend of mine that he needed a better story. The truth just isn’t going to cut it. After all, if you’ve injured yourself enough to be out of commission for a week or more, a lot of people are going to be asking about what happened.

So here’s a list of potential stories that could be used to make the incident sound more interesting:

“I threw out my back while bending the space time continuum.”

“There was this prostitute who used to be a contortionist ... ”

“I was building a secret library room for my friend Amy and her book collection is really heavy.”

“My parachute didn’t open. Again. I landed on my feet, but the impact did a number on my lower back.”

“I’ve been wrestling gargoyles for extra cash on the weekends. Those things are much stronger than they look.”

“I was really rocking the Chippendale’s auditions until I slipped on all those hundred dollar bills the ladies were throwing.”

“I finally got my budget balanced, but forcing the numbers into the right columns really hurt my back.”

“I’ve been doing some heavy reading and my back finally gave out under the weight of the acquired knowledge.”

This is just a few. Feel free to contribute your own suggestions so that the next time my friend hurts his back doing something simple, at least he'll have a lot of good stories to choose from.

Urban Life for Dogs

I haven’t been posting as much lately because I’ve been in the process of moving (and then there was that whole book release thing, too). Despite the chaos, we’ve survived. The biggest change was moving from a suburban area to a more urban one. To provide a unique perspective on this change, I’m allowing my dog to make a guest post here concerning what every dog needs to know before moving into the city. Here's her list of recommendations for dogs moving to city life:


1. Dogs in the city bark with an accent that sounds a little rough, but you get used to it quickly. They’re all really friendly and like to play.

2. City squirrels are more evil than suburban squirrels. They will taunt you by prancing along the power lines and running up and down fences. They all must die.

3. Urban life means that there are more people living closer together and that also means that you will meet a lot more dogs. That’s a lot of butts to sniff, so get your lungs into shape before you move.

4. We have sidewalks here. These are tiny cement roads for pedestrians. Pretty cool.

5. There are things here called “alleys” which have the best buffets. Trash cans line both sides and occasionally there’s road kill or rotting garbage just out in the open there. It’s heaven.

6. There are so many smells here that it’s exhausting, so you will definitely need more naps. However, all the information you’re inhaling through your nose will make you smarter. That’s why they call them “street smarts.” You get them from smelling the street.

7. If you get that uncontrollable urge to chase cars or bicycles you should get therapy before you move. There are way too many of these things in the city and there’s no stopping any of them. The sooner you realize this the better off you will be and the more likely you are to avoid a canine existential crisis.

8. They still barbecue in the city and there are still leftover hot dogs. There is absolutely nothing to worry about.

What I Really Wanted for Mother’s Day

This year I ordered a case of wine for myself for Mother’s Day. I took the liberty of signing the card from my kids and writing a touching message that was so moving, it brought tears to my eyes. Note: I’m deducting the cost of the wine from the kids’ allowances.

While a case of decent wine is nice, I decided to make a list of the things I would have really wanted for Mothers Day. This list could be useful if my kids decide to go shopping next year. So here it is:

1. Bring Freddie Mercury back from the dead and restore him to perfect health.

2. Queen reunion tour (after #1 above is successfully completed).

3. A house with an awesome bathtub in the master bathroom so that I can have quiet time alone.

4. Someplace nice for the rest of the family to live. Hey - I’m not greedy. I want them to be comfortable, too. I just don’t want them where they can bother me all the time and ask for stuff.

5. To go to Paris. You can never be too rich, too thin, or go to Paris too much.

So, there you go, kids! You have almost a whole year to shop. But you might want to get started now because some of these could take a bit of planning. Of course, you can always pick up after yourselves, do all your homework, get good grades, clean the house, help with the chores without being asked, and stop asking for money all the time. I just figured that my list would be easier for you.

Things to Do When You're Bored

I almost never get bored. In fact, I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t had much time to  update my blog. So, since I haven’t been available to keep my readers properly entertained, I’ve created a list of things you can do -- just in case you happen to get bored waiting for my next post.

1.) Create a LinkedIn profile for Satan and send people connection requests asking for their souls.

2.) Go to the grocery store and ask the butcher if s/he has any koala meat available. If the response is no, tell the butcher you know where to find it cheap and give him/her directions to the zoo.

3.) Write up a proposal to add a helicopter landing pad on top of your house and submit it to the homeowners association for review.

4.) Start a corporation called “Pass the Buck, Inc.” and specialize in blame shifting. Place ads in the Wall Street Journal and wait for the phone to ring. Offer special discounts to politicians.

5.) Step into a crowded elevator, look around, and then remark how impressed you are that the cleaning crew managed to get all that blood off the walls. Then talk about how you still can’t get it off your shoes and would really like to know what products they use.

6.) Randomly place “For Sale” signs in front of your neighbors’  houses. Add a line advertising “Family included!”

7.) Paint flames going up the arms of your chair at work. If your chair doesn’t have arms, place it in the hallway with a coffee cup and a sign that says, “Please help - I have no arms and need money for a transplant.”

8.) Dress up as a witch and go to your neighbor’s house asking if you can borrow a cup of children.

9.) Think up creative names for your WiFi to mess with your neighbors such as “I am Big Brother” or “Party tonight at [insert your neighbor’s address here]” or “Silence of the LANs” or “IRS Surprise Mobile Audit Team.” Be creative and think like a stalker.

10.) If all else fails, follow the example of Pinky and the Brain and try to take over the world. That should keep you busy for quite awhile. It is a big place, after all.

Making Up Band Names ... Again!

Been a little swamped in the new year, but I suddenly realized that I haven’t made up any new band names for awhile. So here we go ...

Illicit label
A Rap/ Hip Hop band that cross markets in the liquor industry to endorse a spirit of the same name. Whenever I’m in the “Wine and Spirits” store I often ask the manager for the section of “slightly mischievous but not quite evil spirits,” so perhaps Illicit Label Spirits will use my tag line on the bottles and it they will say: “slightly mischievous, but not quite evil. Illicit in both label and attitude.”

Eyesore Across the Alley
A Grunge Band, of course. All the band photos should be taken in alleys where famous people have died.

Small Gods
This is the name of one of my favorite books by Terry Pratchett and as soon as I saw the title I thought it would be an awesome band name. So here it is. After all, rock stars are really small gods in our culture so why not be honest about it?

Downtown Beaver Dam
A bluegrass band.  That jug player better hit his pitch or we’re not letting him choose the contents of the jug.

Crime Slut
This is another all girl band and all I can visualize is black leather and glossy red lips. If you dress the women appropriately it doesn’t matter what they sound like.

Your Conscience
I just think it would be funny for the band to announce “Thank you for coming to hear us. We are Your Conscience.”


For those of you who missed them, my previous posts on band names with such classics as “Funky Cupcake” and “Pancake Maggots” are located here and here.  Enjoy and keep rocking in the new year!

Mr Hankey Christmas Cookies (How to Make)

My kids are teenagers who love Southpark, so I started making these Christmas cookies last year and they’ve been a big hit with my kids as well as with a large number of my adult friends. They’re not difficult tot make, but they do take a little time, so here’s my little tutorial on how to make them. I’m posting written instructions and I also filmed some video so that you can see how I did it.

Step 1:
Bake brownies in a 13x9 pan. I recommend using a pre-packaged mix instead of baking these from scratch because you’ll spend enough time decorating the cookies and the mix speeds up this first step. Make sure that the box is “family sized” or large enough to accommodate a 13x9 pan. If the mix is for an 8x8 pan, then use two boxes.

Step 2:
Remove the edges from the brownies. This part is a little crusty and doesn’t mold as well as the interior. Mr. Hankey’s body forms better if you don’t use this. My kids love eating the scraps.

Step 3:
Cut the brownies into 12 equal parts. Each part will make one Mr. Hankey cookie, so you’ll wind up with a dozen cookies from one batch. I usually bake 2 13x9 pans and make 24 cookies at once. They get eaten pretty quickly.

Step 4:
Shape Mr Hankey. Make sure your hands are clean and then use them to mold his body into an irregular tube shape. I also slightly pinch a little area around where his neck should be to help him take shape.

Step 5:
Make his hat. This time I used pre-rolled sheets of red fondant icing. You can find this anywhere they sell cake decorating supplies (such as Michaels or Walmart). I’ve also either used cherry fruit roll-ups or painted his hat on with red icing. The red icing tastes the best.

Step 6:
Use pretzels and white chocolate to make his arms. Lay down some wax paper and then place drops of melted white chocolate down on the sheet. Place the end of  a pretzel stick on then seal the top of his “mitten” with another drop of white chocolate.

Step 7:
Use melted white chocolate to make two white ovals close together for his eyes.

Step 8:
Glue his hat on using either melted white chocolate or white icing. Once the hat is glued on you can decorate the “fur” parts using more melted whit chocolate or white icing.

Step 9:
Add a drop of dark chocolate to each of his eyes for the pupils, and also use the dark chocolate to make his mouth.

Step 10:
Gently insert his arms into the sides of his body. I usually break off one-third to one-half of the pretzel stick to shorten it and make it look proportional to his body.

Take a picture because these cookies won’t last long. Everyone loves the novelty and these disappear in less than 48 hours.

Watch the video also, - seeing how it’s done is often helpful to understanding it better. Besides, it took me hours to edit it and I’d like my efforts to feel validated.  ;)

Cooking with Dexter

I loved the book Darkly Dreaming Dexter and the TV show based on the book is one of my favorites to watch. So I thought I would start a series of posts on what it would be like if Dexter were a chef. This way I can also share some of my favorite recipes.

Today we’re making a roasted chicken. You will need to purchase a whole “roasting” chicken. These look like little turkeys. Most grocery stores sell them, but if you don’t see any in the meat department you may need to check with the butcher.

Once you have your chicken we’re ready to get started.

Step One:
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Step Two:
Cover the kitchen counter with sheets of plastic.

Step Three:
Strap a whole roasting chicken down using duct tape. Place a nice sized piece over the hole in the neck to symbolize sealing the bird’s mouth to stifle screams.

Step Four:
Select and sharpen an extremely large carving knife and cleaver. Set the cleaver aside.

Step Five:
Using both hands, face the chicken and raise the carving knife above your head.

Step Six:
Recite a list of all the wrongs the chicken has committed. Look the chicken in the eyes.

Step Seven:
Swiftly drive the knife into the left breast of the chicken where the heart should be.

Step Eight:
Using the cleaver, cut the chicken into pieces, slicing through bones, as needed. If you happen to have a bone saw on hand, use that instead of the cleaver.

Step Nine:
Place the segments of chicken into little trash bags and seal them with twist ties. Make sure that the body is evenly dispersed between all the trash bags and squeeze out any excess air so that the bags don’t float.

Step Ten:
Haul the bags out to sea in your boat and drop them into the ocean.

Step Eleven:
Turn the oven off and go out for dinner.


I feel a sense of release after cooking like this. Now I can go out and buy donuts for everyone, smile and act normal until I feel the urge to cook again.

The Truth About Tattoos

 I recently read a book by Terry Pratchett called “Nation” in which an older man initially doesn’t trust a young boy because the boy doesn’t have enough tattoos. In that culture, tattoos mark significant life events and growth experiences, so a person’s wisdom can be easily gauged by the amount of ink on the person’s body.

So this got me thinking ... Why do some people have a prejudice against individuals with tattoos and view them as shifty or unreliable? I don’t think the view is accurate, so I’d like to set forth a few arguments against this perspective as food for thought.

First of all, I’d like to point out that the average tattoo lasts longer than the average marriage. This is a key point because it demonstrates that people with tattoos know how to make a commitment. Are you looking for a partner for the long haul? An employee who isn’t going to quit easily? Look for someone with a tattoo.

Secondly, getting a tattoo can be extremely painful. This tells me that these people can tolerate uncomfortable situations and will stick it out when others might quit. They can endure under pressure and keep their eye on the goal.

In addition, when people tell me that individuals with tattoos are unreliable, I simply laugh. Reliable is a synonym for consistent. Who would you rather trust: someone who wears the same image day after day on their skin (i.e., is consistent) or someone who changes their clothes, makeup and jewelry to appear different all the time (i.e., projects an inconsistent look)? No contest.

Finally, I’m willing to bet that very few of our politicians have tattoos and I don’t think any of us believe that they’re doing a great job. Perhaps if we elected more individuals with tattoos our country would be in better shape. At least we could learn who we were really voting for because most people with tattoos make sure that the images they permanently mark on their bodies reflect what they believe in.

Based on my conclusions, I think that people with tattoos make better employees, spouses, citizens, and (probably) elected officials.

Maybe some people without tattoos feel threatened by those who have them because people with tattoos are just better people. By the way, I don’t have any tattoos, so you may not want to trust me on this.

THATman

I was talking with another writer about editors and he said that his editor is always striking the word “that” from his drafts. So I’ve come up with the perfect solution:

Write a graphic novel about a super hero named THATman!

Who is THATman?

THAT hero THAT is like THAT other hero THAT rhymes with THATman THAT also wears a cape and THAT fights THAT other kind of evil whereas THATman fights THAT oppression THAT evil editors inflict and THAT uses the word THAT as much as THAT can be done in a book about THAT subject.

Subtitled:
"How to passive aggressively get even with your editor through character definition."

The goal is obviously to cram as many “thats” on a page as possible because of the way THATman speaks and operates. But the editor can’t take them out because it’s part of who the character is. Brilliant!

THATman will also need a side kick called THATguy. He sticks out wherever he goes because he’s always saying the wrong things at the wrong time and embarrassing himself and his friends. He works as a decoy for THATman by distracting nearby people through his dumbassery (real word, FYI, since I spoke it into existence here). At parties and other events people look at THATguy's foolishness and say, “I wouldn’t want to be THAT guy). Meanwhile, no one sees THATman triumphantly place another THAT somewhere on a manuscript...

I’m seeing this as a series.
Episode One: THATman Begins
Episode Two: THAT Dark Knight
Episode Three: THAT Dark Knight Rises to Superscript
Episode Four: Comma Abuse is Morally Justified (even when the text isn’t).
Episode Five: Participles Dangling Over the Edge of Infinitives

I’m sure there’s more. But I just love THAT idea.

The Daily Dave's Political Advice

It's been awhile since the Daily Dave did a guest appearance on my blog and with the election looming ever nearer, I thought that our friend Dave might have a little wisdom to share with us...

Attention All Rogue Socks!

The laundry room in this household has instituted a zero tolerance policy on loitering.
Starting today all rogue socks will be terminated on site.

Please note that the buddy system was previously put into place in order to help socks find a suitable partner and encourage them to find a home in a respectable drawer. If you are a rogue sock and do not have a partner we suggest that you find one immediately or risk being terminated. As this household has an equal opportunity policy, sock partners may cross color and fiber boundaries. However, any unmatched socks left in the laundry room will be considered a threat to household security and terminated on site.

This is a fair warning: I am packing heat. It’s called the dryer and I’m exceptionally skilled at using it. So don’t test me. Any sock caught loitering in and around the laundry room will be terminated on site or worse - made into puppets.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,
Household Management

A Lesson in Trees

Nirvana said that Mother Nature is a whore. They were wrong. She’s a pimp and the Bradford Pear is a whore among trees, as I have written in my previous post located here. I’ve accumulated some additional evidence from a recent storm to help illustrate my point.

This is what happens when Mother Nature the Pimp helps you spread your pollen and you don’t pay her back:

Here’s what happens when Mother Nature sends squirrels and other desperate animals your way and you don’t give her a cut of the nuts stored in your trunk:

And here’s what happens when you allow regular customers (such as birds) to dwell in your branches for free:

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Lesson:

Don’t mess with a pimp or she will mess you up.

Some people think that pine trees are whores because they’re weak trees. Not the same thing. When you plant a young pine sapling, it shoots up as fast as it can. This makes them the crack junkies of the tree world.

This is what happens when a crack junkie shoots up too quickly:

Lesson:

Pine trees are junkies and their habit of shooting up can really mess up your yard.

I’ll have a Mar-Go-Rita

It’s been a very hot summer.  Record breaking heat. It’s time for someone to cash in on this heat wave and this is why I’ve come up with a great new business idea.

Every summer when the heat kicks up, the ice cream truck comes around and both kids and adults rush into the street to buy a refreshing treat (or, in some cases, a stale but frosty snack that has the illusion of being a treat because of the novel situation that someone drove it to your neighborhood in a musical vehicle). In any event, it’s a summer ritual for many of us.

But what do most adults really want? Booze. What if there was a truck that drove around playing polka music that sold frosty mugs of beer?  How much faster would you run out of your house to get something like that - even if you’re still in your bathrobe? Or better yet, stay in the AC and send the kids out to the curb with your ID and a twenty and tell them that there’s an extra five in it for them if they don’t spill the brew.

There could be other trucks.  My personal favorite is the Mar-Go-Rita truck that sells margaritas (either frozen or on the rocks) as well as tequila shots for people who still have to go back to work in the afternoon and need something to get them through that next meeting. If you decide to implement this idea, might I also suggest that you have a friend drive the Fajita Nacho Truck right behind you? Because I’m going to want a snack with my Mar-Go-Rita and I may not be in any condition to drive out to get one (if you’re making them correctly).

This is a potential goldmine for the right person. Not to mention that it would solve the problem of drinking and driving because we no longer have to drive to get our drinks. Our drinks would come to us.

I’ve done my job by planting the seed of the idea. Now I’m just waiting for the right entrepreneur to implement this in my neighborhood. I’ll be on the porch waiting.

Word of the Day

Neftzgerian |nǝf-zgur-ē-ăn|
adjective

1 Impossibly difficult to pronounce.

2 Lacking in vowels.

3 Uncommonly sensed.  (See my previous post for more on this topic).

ORIGIN
Authors imagination. Possibly Germany, although the author is not herself of German descent. It is rumored that she purchased the name at the Dollar General Store for half price because it was missing some vowels.

PHRASES
If you’re going to choose a stage name, try looking for something a little less neftzgerian than Fryptz Trwftysevy. It will never be spelled correctly in the credits!

That movie was so neftzgerian that I thought I was watching a documentary on creative government policies.



P.S.
I know that you’re not supposed to give yourself a nickname, but there are no rules against creating new words based on your own name.  Therefore I’ve taken the liberty of defining my own name as an adjective.  I think we can all agree that my definitions are fairly obvious. So let’s all try to start working this term into our everyday conversation now, shall we?

Common Sense

It’s been said that common sense is actually not all that common.  Some people believe that everyone has common sense but that a certain segment of the population just doesn’t use it.  If you’ve been reading my blog for any amount of time you know how I love nonsense, so this trait likely puts me in the group of people having uncommon sense.

As a member of this group, I’d like to help the rest of you understand why some of us appear to be lacking in common sense. Here are the top reasons why some of us don’t use common sense:

1.) We put all of our common sense in a really safe place and then forgot exactly where that was.

2.) We’ve treated it with rooting hormone, put it in a dark place, and are hoping to grow it into a sixth sense.

3.) We actually do have common sense, but we’re too modest to expose it publicly.

4.) The dog ate it.

5.) Someone else cleaned our bedrooms when we weren’t at home and the person accidentally threw out all our common sense because it looks like old pizza (which also explains why the dog would want to eat it).

6.) Common sense becomes cheap if everyone has plenty of it. Scarcity creates value.  You’re welcome.

7.) It accidentally fell in the toilet and we didn’t want to reach in and save it.  So we flushed. Wouldn’t you have done the same?

8.) It fell on the floor in a place where the three second rule does not apply.  So we left it there.

9.) It’s not in season and, therefore, would be far too cost prohibitive to import.

10.) We’re holding onto it in the hopes of driving up the market price, thereby saving our shares for an IPO so we can go public and get rich selling it.

I hope this helps creating better understanding between the common sense people and those of us who are uncommonly sensed.