How To Be Awesome

It's easier than you think. Here's how to do it:

1. Go to bed early. It’s important to get plenty of rest so that your mind is alert.
2. Wake up early. The longer you sleep in, the less awesome there will be for you because everyone else will have gotten it first.
3. Drink a strong cup of coffee. It takes energy to be awesome and coffee is fuel for awesomeness.
4. Eat a light but nourishing breakfast. Again, you need fuel, but heavy meals will weigh you down and keep you from reaching the height of awesomeness.
5. Take a dog for a long walk before doing anything else. A public location with plenty of things to smell is ideal, such as a park or an area where people and/ or animals have been recently.
6. Feed the dog.
7. You are now awesome and ready to start your day.

How to I know that this works?
Because I’ve been doing this routine for years and every day when I get home from walking my dog and feed her she looks at me and says, “You’re awesome!”

My Annual Performance Review

This morning on our daily walk my dog informed me that she had completed my annual performance review. I thought I’d share the results so that other dog owners might know what to expect when it’s time for their annual review.

First of all, I was told that the number of slices of bacon making it all the way to the floor had declined from previous years. This was deemed as both “unacceptable” and “needing improvement.”

Secondly, she cited the numerous times I have asked her to go to the bathroom outside when it was raining. I was told that if I needed to urinate in the rain that I should do it myself instead of relying upon others to do my job for me.

Thirdly (and she added “while we’re already on the subject”), the fact that I close the door while urinating makes it appear as if I have a secret process that I’m unwilling to share with others. I was asked to do my business out in the open instead of acting like I had a trade secret.

She also mentioned that while my stomach rubbing technique is “sufficient in ability” on those rare occasions that I actually do my job it is also “lacking in the required level of frequency.” It was explained to me that doing one's job well is still not doing your job if you're not doing it often enough.

Finally, she advised me to stop picking up her poop when we go out on walks because she spent a lot of time choosing the right spot and she “put it there for a reason.” I was accused of undoing her entire days work by cleaning up after her.

I'm currently on a performance improvement plan. Whether you choose to change your behavior or not, I thought the rest of you dog owners might want to know the sorts of things you’ll be rated upon.

Urban Life for Dogs

I haven’t been posting as much lately because I’ve been in the process of moving (and then there was that whole book release thing, too). Despite the chaos, we’ve survived. The biggest change was moving from a suburban area to a more urban one. To provide a unique perspective on this change, I’m allowing my dog to make a guest post here concerning what every dog needs to know before moving into the city. Here's her list of recommendations for dogs moving to city life:


1. Dogs in the city bark with an accent that sounds a little rough, but you get used to it quickly. They’re all really friendly and like to play.

2. City squirrels are more evil than suburban squirrels. They will taunt you by prancing along the power lines and running up and down fences. They all must die.

3. Urban life means that there are more people living closer together and that also means that you will meet a lot more dogs. That’s a lot of butts to sniff, so get your lungs into shape before you move.

4. We have sidewalks here. These are tiny cement roads for pedestrians. Pretty cool.

5. There are things here called “alleys” which have the best buffets. Trash cans line both sides and occasionally there’s road kill or rotting garbage just out in the open there. It’s heaven.

6. There are so many smells here that it’s exhausting, so you will definitely need more naps. However, all the information you’re inhaling through your nose will make you smarter. That’s why they call them “street smarts.” You get them from smelling the street.

7. If you get that uncontrollable urge to chase cars or bicycles you should get therapy before you move. There are way too many of these things in the city and there’s no stopping any of them. The sooner you realize this the better off you will be and the more likely you are to avoid a canine existential crisis.

8. They still barbecue in the city and there are still leftover hot dogs. There is absolutely nothing to worry about.

Things My Dog Hates

There are certain things my dog despises and, given my dog’s strong sensible nature and excellent judge of character, I must also question the things that she abhors. I’m not saying that she’s a genius.  She simply has a sixth sense that provides her with an uncanny ability to identify the sinister nature of specific matters.  Like my ex husband.  She barks viciously whenever he comes anywhere close to the house.  There are some things that dogs just know by instinct.

With this in mind, I’ve compiled a list of things she hates so that the rest of us may learn from her.  These may be things that the rest of us would do well to avoid.

1.) Crows.  I’m pretty sure my dog drops the F-bomb in doggie talk when she sees them.  Other birds seem to be fine, but crows make her rush forward, jump in the air and scream “get the @#$% outta here!!!”

2.) Dogs on television. They really have no business being there.  Sort of like the Kardashians.  

3.) Small portions.  When I feed her a tiny sample I always get the annoyed look that says “Do I look stupid? Because I know there’s at least a pound of brie on that counter, only two of us, and this little micron is not 50% of said quantity.”

4.) Flies.  A no brainer: flies are attracted to some of the most unsanitary places.  Like reality TV shows.  

5.) The vacuum cleaner.  She probably learned this one from me because I hate vacuuming.  I think her goal is to attack and break it so that I don’t ever have to vacuum again.  That’s loyalty. Genius!

This has been a public service message from my dog.  BTW she is over 70 lbs and has extremely strong jaws, so you might want to pay attention.

Bedtime Stories for Dogs and Cats

Just in time for the Southern Festival of Books this weekend... two NEW eBooks have been released!

Bedtime Stories for Dogs

A book of stories, poems, fables, and essays written by dogs for dogs.  Story topics range from mythology and magic to “tails” of misfortune, adventure, and joy.

Bedtime Stories for Cats

A book of stories, fables, and essays written by cats for cats.  Story topics range from cat mythology to “tails” of adventure and magic.

Discover how much fun you can have reading to your pets!  The two books have some unique stories and some that are similar but told from a different perspective (either cat or dog).  The print version will be available in two weeks and will contain both books bound together. 

Please share this post with your friends.  A portion of the proceeds from the sale of these books will be donated to no-kill animal shelters.

10 Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than People.

1.) They don’t give you bad financial advice.  In fact, my dog has never interfered with my finances or asked for any gift larger than a slice of pizza.

2.) They never ask if they can date your single friends or if you can set them up with someone.  So you never have to worry about how to handle the situation if you’re walking through the park one day and run into other dogs they’ve previously dated.

3.) They don’t brag about how much money they make or what kind of car they drive.

4.) They don’t try to push their belief system on you.  Can you imagine your dog scolding you for flushing your poop away instead of rolling in it?  I didn’t think so.  

5.) They know how to eat and never refuse food because they’re “on a diet.”  

6.) They don’t pretend to love work unless they really do love it.

7.) They always tell you that your food is great, no matter what your cooking skills.  And they believe it, too.

8.) They’re never too busy for you.  Whether you want to play with them or hold them while you cry.  Dogs know how to be there with you.

9.)  When they’re dying they don’t make demands, try to manipulate people, or make anyone feel guilty over relationships.  They don’t ask for memorials or worry about how you’ll remember them.  They only ask that you be there with them when they pass away.  That’s why I respect them and wish I could be more like them.  They know how to love.

10.) They know what’s important and that’s what they focus their lives upon: relationships.

Eight Ways to Procrastinate

Sure you could troll FaceBook, watch YouTube videos, or surf the Internet, but there are better ways to procrastinate.  Here are some of my favorite ways to procrastinate:

1.) Play with dolls.  DO NOT under any circumstances take them out of the package.  The employees in the toy store get really angry when you do that.  Sometimes they even make you buy the dolls.

2.) Make a list of all the restaurants that give you free drinks on your birthday.  Then schedule more birthdays for yourself.  Get these on your calendar and make sure that you don’t have two scheduled too closely together at the same restaurant.  I recommend at least 6 months apart.

3.) Prepare excuses in case you’re caught having two free birthday drinks at the same restaurant in less than a year.  For example, “Oh, you must be thinking about my twin brother.  He was here six months ago on his birthday.” or “Sorry, I was here with my sister when it was her birthday.  Perhaps you remember me from that time, but she was the one who got the free drink.”  And so forth.

4.) Set up a FaceBook account for your dog or cat.  Next, teach them their password because you’ll never remember it.

5.) Hack my dog’s Facebook account.  Once you get in, please send me the password because neither I nor my dog remember it.

6.) Build a new food pyramid out of legos and then write letters to the government on why they should adopt it.  The letters should all be done in PowerPoint.  No paragraphs or prose, but some poetry will be allowed if it is Haiku or Limerick in format.  Encourage the government to write back in the same format, as no other writing style will be considered a serious response to your efforts.

7.) Make a list of your skills and a separate list for your super powers.  Elaborate on why you have classified each as such.  For example, super human strength is really a skill.  Why?

8.) Write a blog about nonsense.  (Check that one off my list for today).