Cooking with Dexter

I loved the book Darkly Dreaming Dexter and the TV show based on the book is one of my favorites to watch. So I thought I would start a series of posts on what it would be like if Dexter were a chef. This way I can also share some of my favorite recipes.

Today we’re making a roasted chicken. You will need to purchase a whole “roasting” chicken. These look like little turkeys. Most grocery stores sell them, but if you don’t see any in the meat department you may need to check with the butcher.

Once you have your chicken we’re ready to get started.

Step One:
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Step Two:
Cover the kitchen counter with sheets of plastic.

Step Three:
Strap a whole roasting chicken down using duct tape. Place a nice sized piece over the hole in the neck to symbolize sealing the bird’s mouth to stifle screams.

Step Four:
Select and sharpen an extremely large carving knife and cleaver. Set the cleaver aside.

Step Five:
Using both hands, face the chicken and raise the carving knife above your head.

Step Six:
Recite a list of all the wrongs the chicken has committed. Look the chicken in the eyes.

Step Seven:
Swiftly drive the knife into the left breast of the chicken where the heart should be.

Step Eight:
Using the cleaver, cut the chicken into pieces, slicing through bones, as needed. If you happen to have a bone saw on hand, use that instead of the cleaver.

Step Nine:
Place the segments of chicken into little trash bags and seal them with twist ties. Make sure that the body is evenly dispersed between all the trash bags and squeeze out any excess air so that the bags don’t float.

Step Ten:
Haul the bags out to sea in your boat and drop them into the ocean.

Step Eleven:
Turn the oven off and go out for dinner.


I feel a sense of release after cooking like this. Now I can go out and buy donuts for everyone, smile and act normal until I feel the urge to cook again.