5 Things the Easter Bunny Could do to Improve His Business Model

We all love Easter, but the holiday may be in danger due to some potential mismanagement issues.  My advice isn’t new, but I think it’s about time that someone said it to the Easter Bunny directly.

1. Hopping from place to place is an outdated an inefficient mode of transportation.  Invest in something a little faster and more efficient.  Speed is, of course, paramount, but also remember that bunnies are not very tall so make sure the vehicle is low to the ground so that you can get in and out quickly.  
2. It’s difficult to make a profit when you give away everything for free.  This is a very poor and self destructive business model.  You should be charging for your services or consumers will devalue the content you provide.  I strongly suggest that you start accepting all major credit cards or set up an account with PayPal to get payment in advance of the holiday.  Since children have been accustomed to receiving the goods for free they may by initially resistant to payment. Time for tough love.
3. Expand your market to include others besides children.  Parents are the next logical market because of their close relationship with your current market segment.  Some product tie-ins may be things like ear plugs to block out the noise of rowdy children hyped up on excessive sugar.  These could be included in a nice basket that also contains bottles of aspirin, antacids, bath salts, and perhaps a little whiskey to help mom and dad get through the holiday.
4. Focusing on one event a year will not sustain your business on a daily basis.  You simply need more Easters.  While you could create other streams of revenue, such as new holidays, the cost of product development will eat you alive before the holidays become viable sources of income.
5. You can’t be everywhere at the same time, so we all know that you have a number of bunnies in your employment.  This is overhead.  Bunnies also tend to have large families. Insuring these ever growing rabbit families is extremely expensive.  In addition, you’re probably carrying some hefty accidental death and dismemberment premiums on these extra bunnies because of the risk involved in such things as crossing busy streets in the dark while being under 12 inches tall and entering houses with dogs. It would be prudent to find a way to automate the process of basket delivery or outsource the work to a third party.  Of course, this would also mean that kids would get their baskets the Friday before or the Monday after the holiday to accommodate the delivery schedule of these carriers. However, this would also solve the issue in point number 1 above concerning hopping.  Think about it.

I could go on, but I’ll stop here so that you can consider my advice.  This is textbook stuff, Mr. Easter Bunny.  Wake up and smell the carrots before your business goes under.  We care about your holiday.  It’s about time that you did.

Should Life be ISO 9000 Certified?

The purpose of the ISO 9000 certification program is to imbed quality and efficiency into business processes so that manufacturers produce better quality goods and more satisfied customers.  

So why aren’t more things ISO 900 certified?  It seems to me that there are things outside of business that could benefit from this sort of “stamp of approval.”  Below is my list of suggestions.

1. Parenthood.  This is at the top of my list because every parent I’ve known has asked for a manual to help them raise kids.  What if the process were streamlined so that you knew exactly the right thing to do in every situation?  
2. Dating.  What if you knew that your date was ISO 9000 certified so that you could expect everything to go perfectly?  The man would bring the right kind of flowers and you’d go to the best restaurants and never have to wait too long.  Everything would be standardized including the amount of cleavage the woman was expected to reveal in her outfit.
3. Churches.  This could be a huge bonus to churches who want to grow.  Think about what it would mean if your church could say: “85% of our congregation reaches Heaven.  Results you can believe in!”

These are just a few of my ideas.  Fantasy?  Sure.  Life has no guarantees. But the thought of trying to put a guarantee on it makes me laugh and that improves the quality of my life.   

I've Been Making Up Band Names Again...

One of my favorite hobbies is making up potential names for rock bands.  Actually, it’s more of an addiction.  Since I can’t seem to land my dream job of working in A&R somewhere that pays a lot and expects very little of me, here’s a few of the band names I've created: 

Funky Cupcake

This is an all girl band.  They could even be drag queens wearing pink tights.

Pancake Maggots

Metal band.  No other type of band could pull off “Maggots” in the name as well. 

Cheap Therapy

This one is actually being used right now by a group of guys who get together and play oldies for fun.  If they ever make any money I am going to ask for 10% based on naming rights.

Ban Jovi

A Bon Jovi tribute band that’s all banjo.  It would sound like this:   Click Here.

Actually, I think this is ridiculous, but I thought the clip was too hilarious to leave it off the list.   Play it again!!!

London Unleashed

My dog was named after Jack London and she has a very rock and roll attitude, so she deserves to have a band named after her.  I have no other reason for picking this name.

Holy Shift

A Christian rock band who really wants to make a difference in the world and not just play music.  They would manifest the love of God in such dramatic ways that the whole world would stop and say, “Holy Shift!  Love really does change everything for the better!” 

Bonus clip:  I wrote the lyrics for a song called Megatistics.  It’s written in the musical style of Megadeth but with statistical lyrics.  This might be a future cut on the Pancake Maggots CD.

Click here to listen to Megatistics.

The Bradford Pear: A Whore Among Trees.

Not a fan of the Bradford Pear.  I know these are hugely popular trees, but I have never liked them.  I don’t mind the fact that they’re ornamental fruit trees that never bear fruit (although I try not to think about how they got that way).  But I’ve always known that there was something just wrong about them and then it occurred to me that these trees are basically the equivalent of arboreal prostitutes.  

Follow my logic: 

1. They tend to congregate along streets, just like streetwalkers.
2. They promiscuously flower, attracting all kinds of vermin.
3. Deer love to scandalously strip the leaves and expose the limbs, specially on the lower portion.
4. They don’t produce anything - people purchase them simply for pleasure (they just want to look at it.  Right.).
5. The blooms smell like rotting fish. (Disclaimer: I have not gotten close enough to very many prostitutes to know what they smell like, on average.)

I think that pretty much sums it up.  It’s no wonder that the moral fiber of our society is falling apart with Bradford Pears on every corner.  And yes, I did Photoshop the scarlet letter onto the picture below to drive my point home.