Creepy Things

In honor of Halloween, I’ve compiled a list of things that I find creepy.  So read on and feel the chill run up and down your spine... and hope that the tingling on your scalp isn’t squirrels nesting in your hair.

1. Clowns.  This one is  a no brainer and I can’t explain it any better than the Simpson’s or Steven King, so I’ll just leave it at that.  Although John Connolly wrote one of the best horror short stories about this topic. Check it out if you like that sort of thing - it’s in his book “Nocturnes.” 

2. Doll heads, particularly the severed kind.  In fact, when I was a teenager I used to pop the head off a barbie and dangle it by the hair to watch my best friend freak out.  But I always kept the eyes facing away from me.  I’m not stupid.

3. Pencil mustaches.  Nothing says “child molester” quite like a pencil mustache.

4. Bradford pears.  Whores.  All of them.

5. Small children who won’t go to bed on time.  This is mostly because I hallucinate under the effects of sleep deprivation.  I’m convinced that my own children were miniature researchers doing sleep deprivation experiments on me.  I don’t know where they put all the data they collected, but I know it wasn’t in their diapers because I searched them thoroughly.  Upon reflection, that location probably would have been too obvious.  But I digress.

6. Bad vocalists.  Especially the kind who don’t know that they’re tone deaf and still insist on getting up in front of a crowd.  Great.  Now that I’ve thought about this I won’t sleep tonight because I’ll be afraid of having karaoke dreams.

7. The inside of the mind of anyone who would willingly run for political office. There should be public service announcements such as: “This is your brain.  This is your brain drunk on the thought of having power and not understanding the full and eternal consequences to the rest of your own life or that of your family members.  This is a bad walnut, shriveled and black and a little smelly.  No.  Switch the last two.”

Now think about what you find creepy and enjoy the scare.  Happy Halloween!

The Bradford Pear: A Whore Among Trees.

Not a fan of the Bradford Pear.  I know these are hugely popular trees, but I have never liked them.  I don’t mind the fact that they’re ornamental fruit trees that never bear fruit (although I try not to think about how they got that way).  But I’ve always known that there was something just wrong about them and then it occurred to me that these trees are basically the equivalent of arboreal prostitutes.  

Follow my logic: 

1. They tend to congregate along streets, just like streetwalkers.
2. They promiscuously flower, attracting all kinds of vermin.
3. Deer love to scandalously strip the leaves and expose the limbs, specially on the lower portion.
4. They don’t produce anything - people purchase them simply for pleasure (they just want to look at it.  Right.).
5. The blooms smell like rotting fish. (Disclaimer: I have not gotten close enough to very many prostitutes to know what they smell like, on average.)

I think that pretty much sums it up.  It’s no wonder that the moral fiber of our society is falling apart with Bradford Pears on every corner.  And yes, I did Photoshop the scarlet letter onto the picture below to drive my point home.