Should Life be ISO 9000 Certified?

The purpose of the ISO 9000 certification program is to imbed quality and efficiency into business processes so that manufacturers produce better quality goods and more satisfied customers.  

So why aren’t more things ISO 900 certified?  It seems to me that there are things outside of business that could benefit from this sort of “stamp of approval.”  Below is my list of suggestions.

1. Parenthood.  This is at the top of my list because every parent I’ve known has asked for a manual to help them raise kids.  What if the process were streamlined so that you knew exactly the right thing to do in every situation?  
2. Dating.  What if you knew that your date was ISO 9000 certified so that you could expect everything to go perfectly?  The man would bring the right kind of flowers and you’d go to the best restaurants and never have to wait too long.  Everything would be standardized including the amount of cleavage the woman was expected to reveal in her outfit.
3. Churches.  This could be a huge bonus to churches who want to grow.  Think about what it would mean if your church could say: “85% of our congregation reaches Heaven.  Results you can believe in!”

These are just a few of my ideas.  Fantasy?  Sure.  Life has no guarantees. But the thought of trying to put a guarantee on it makes me laugh and that improves the quality of my life.   

I've Been Making Up Band Names Again...

One of my favorite hobbies is making up potential names for rock bands.  Actually, it’s more of an addiction.  Since I can’t seem to land my dream job of working in A&R somewhere that pays a lot and expects very little of me, here’s a few of the band names I've created: 

Funky Cupcake

This is an all girl band.  They could even be drag queens wearing pink tights.

Pancake Maggots

Metal band.  No other type of band could pull off “Maggots” in the name as well. 

Cheap Therapy

This one is actually being used right now by a group of guys who get together and play oldies for fun.  If they ever make any money I am going to ask for 10% based on naming rights.

Ban Jovi

A Bon Jovi tribute band that’s all banjo.  It would sound like this:   Click Here.

Actually, I think this is ridiculous, but I thought the clip was too hilarious to leave it off the list.   Play it again!!!

London Unleashed

My dog was named after Jack London and she has a very rock and roll attitude, so she deserves to have a band named after her.  I have no other reason for picking this name.

Holy Shift

A Christian rock band who really wants to make a difference in the world and not just play music.  They would manifest the love of God in such dramatic ways that the whole world would stop and say, “Holy Shift!  Love really does change everything for the better!” 

Bonus clip:  I wrote the lyrics for a song called Megatistics.  It’s written in the musical style of Megadeth but with statistical lyrics.  This might be a future cut on the Pancake Maggots CD.

Click here to listen to Megatistics.

The Bradford Pear: A Whore Among Trees.

Not a fan of the Bradford Pear.  I know these are hugely popular trees, but I have never liked them.  I don’t mind the fact that they’re ornamental fruit trees that never bear fruit (although I try not to think about how they got that way).  But I’ve always known that there was something just wrong about them and then it occurred to me that these trees are basically the equivalent of arboreal prostitutes.  

Follow my logic: 

1. They tend to congregate along streets, just like streetwalkers.
2. They promiscuously flower, attracting all kinds of vermin.
3. Deer love to scandalously strip the leaves and expose the limbs, specially on the lower portion.
4. They don’t produce anything - people purchase them simply for pleasure (they just want to look at it.  Right.).
5. The blooms smell like rotting fish. (Disclaimer: I have not gotten close enough to very many prostitutes to know what they smell like, on average.)

I think that pretty much sums it up.  It’s no wonder that the moral fiber of our society is falling apart with Bradford Pears on every corner.  And yes, I did Photoshop the scarlet letter onto the picture below to drive my point home.