How To Write a Book in 3 Easy Steps

I get asked a lot of questions about writing. One of the most common inquiries is from people who want to write a book but don't know how to do it. So I've come up with 3 easy steps for guidance.

1. Get a typewriter or computer with a word processor.
2. Vomit words onto a page.
3. Arrange the words so that they look appetizing.

Repeat steps 1 through 3 as needed until you have a novel length manuscript.

See how easy this is? Some people choose to ignore the third step, but I find this part to be the most critical. Good luck!

How To Be Awesome

It's easier than you think. Here's how to do it:

1. Go to bed early. It’s important to get plenty of rest so that your mind is alert.
2. Wake up early. The longer you sleep in, the less awesome there will be for you because everyone else will have gotten it first.
3. Drink a strong cup of coffee. It takes energy to be awesome and coffee is fuel for awesomeness.
4. Eat a light but nourishing breakfast. Again, you need fuel, but heavy meals will weigh you down and keep you from reaching the height of awesomeness.
5. Take a dog for a long walk before doing anything else. A public location with plenty of things to smell is ideal, such as a park or an area where people and/ or animals have been recently.
6. Feed the dog.
7. You are now awesome and ready to start your day.

How to I know that this works?
Because I’ve been doing this routine for years and every day when I get home from walking my dog and feed her she looks at me and says, “You’re awesome!”

How To Catch A Prince

I saw a book called “How To Catch  A Prince.” To be fair, I haven’t read the book. But how hard could it be? Literature is full of stories about princes, and classic fairy tales have spoken on the subject for years. So I’ve culled together a little advice from these sources. Here are the top ten ways to catch a Prince, according to my reserach.

1. Leave a glass slipper on the palace stairwell after midnight. Don’t let it break. That part is important. Also make sure it fits you and not your ugly sister.
2. Sleep for 100 years. You’ll look awesome after getting so much rest and will be able to marry anyone you want.
3. Learn how to get forest creatures to do your chores. This is a no-brainer whether you want to catch a prince or not.
4. Be a mermaid. Of course, this isn’t without sacrifice. Once you become a mermaid you have to choose between walking and talking, because you either have legs or a voice. Apparently princes prefer less articulate women because legs are mandatory for becoming a princess. Voices are optional.
5. Learn to like frogs and become an expert frog kisser. It’s a numbers game. You keep kissing a lot of frogs until one turns into a prince. This could take your whole life, but the good part is that once the frog becomes a prince he owes you one. So you’d have that going for you.
6. Turn into a swan at night. One of the easier methods, all things considered.
7. Grow your hair out several hundred feet and become a recluse in a tall dark tower. Princes dig Howard Hughes lookalikes.
8. Find a crazy dwarf alchemist who can spin straw into gold and make him a frenemy. Oh, you also need a baby as bait, so that complicates things here.
9. Be a princess first. Like attracts like, so if you’re already a princess you’re more likely to attract a prince.
10. Figure out that you’re worth far more than what you can catch. You don't need a prince to make your dreams come true.