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Some people use the term "nonsense" but I prefer to use the phrase "uncommonly sensed" because it's more reflective of creative types.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Nutcracker Safety

During this past holiday season there have been a number of fires and other household accidents in the news.  So while you’re packing up your decorations and getting them stored for next year I thought I’d remind everyone about nutcracker safety.  Why am I covering this just as the holidays are coming to a close?  Because, as you will see below,  storing your nutcracker properly is one of the best things you can do.
Rule 1: Location, Location, Location
When decorating your home, be sure you place your nutcracker in the proper location.  In a home where both parents work, some unsupervised nutcrackers may become bored and form gangs.  This is particularly troublesome if you have a collection and gangs form between nutcrackers in different areas of you house.  For example, kitchen nutcrackers often try to snuff out nutcrackers in other rooms.  The kitchen heat makes them territorial.  With this in mind, also keep all nutcrackers away from fireplaces or heating vents to avoid inflaming their tempers.  This rule also applies to the storage of nutcrackers after the season.
Rule 2: A Nutcracker Mind is a Terrible Thing To Waste
Unsupervised and neglected nutcrackers often become bored and restless.  This can result in the nutcrackers puling trash out of the bin and then using their powerful jaws to drag rotting food remnants or other things into hard to find locations.  Why?  Nutcracker boredom.  These guys were made to crack nuts.  This is what their brains were designed to do and when you prevent them from fulfilling that purpose you risk disaster.  It’s part of the natural order.  So if you’re not going to allow your nutcracker to crack nuts, then please find a suitable occupation for their minds during the holiday season, such as developing financial models to predict the performance of your favorite stocks during the next year (the little guys love to make money).
Rule 3: The Language of the Holidays
Be careful what you say in front of your nutcracker because they often repeat what they hear.  Avoid all cussing and foul language because these words stick with them and are very difficult to remove from their vocabularies.  Don’t even say, “Aunt Martha’s butt looks as wide as the Pacific in that blue skirt” because the nutcrackers will repeat it.  Often. In fact, they may start singing it in four part harmony to the tune of a familiar carol just as Aunt Martha is admiring your collection of nutcrackers.
Rule 4: To Sleep, Per Chance to Dream
Nutcrackers need a good 10 to 11 months of rest during the year.  Therefore, absolutely DO NOT leave your nutcracker on display throughout the year.  This can cause disorientation, confusion, and a whole host of other problems.  Aside from the issues above, your nutcracker may become cranky and start whining right in the middle of your favorite TV show.  In addition, you may find yourself having to explain things that no nutcracker should ever know.  Such as “What is summer vacation and why don’t I get one?”
Rule 5: The Truth Will Set You Free
Under no circumstances should you ever show the Nutcracker Ballet to your nutcracker.  It makes them egotistical and power hungry.  If for some reason your nutcracker has seen the ballet, I strongly recommend that you also show him any “making of” footage on your DVD.  This will help your nutcracker to see that the ballet is all make believe and that he wasn’t destined to rule the world as a prince.  Flowers don’t dance, sugar plum fairies only eat sugar substitute so that they can still fit into their costumes, and nutcrackers are free men only at the holidays.  The rest of the year they are stored safely away from heat, matches, and any other nutcrackers with whom they might want to pick a fight.
Be safe this year.  Store your nutcrackers properly.


  1. Oh Amy, this is why I love reading your posts!

    But you forgot to note that the Nutcrackers need to be kept far away from the Elves on shelves. Gang wars and all. And that nutcrackers are the reason why your fairy lights are tangled up when you retrieve them the following Christmas.

    Simply cannot wait to see what else you'll have up your sleeve this year!

  2. Thanks, Toni! I think you've given me a few ideas to continue this post next year: how to arrange peacekeeping forces between Nutcrackers and Elves on the Shelves :)

  3. Love this information. Maybe it explains why my house was such a mess when I came home from visiting relatives for the holidays. I still haven't gotten it all cleaned up! LOL

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  5. Holy crap! This was epic! I'm plastering this post everywhere!!!

  6. Thanks, Jenn - Glad you liked the post and hope you're having a great new year!

  7. Too cute. I left my nutcracker, (similar to the one in the photo) in the ornament box this year. Yup, solitary confinement suits him better than the alternative which was Guantanamo Bay Prison, I mean the Good Will. Last year he caused me grief and his stock picks were atrocious!

  8. Amy, yes, books are such an expensive addiction. Well, not as much as cocaine I guess, but still expensive. Perhaps we can employ the nutcrackers into something profitable, and it can be our "drug" money?