Research has shown us that more heart attacks take place on Monday mornings than any other day of the week. But we don’t need research to tell us that Mondays are dangerous. We already know that this day of the week packs more bad luck and unbridled evil than any other day of the week. So what can we do about it? I have a few suggestions to get this discussion started.
1. Name the next Bond Villain “Monday” to immortalize the evil nature of this day in film. This doesn’t solve anything, but it will make us feel better when Bond eventually blows him up.
2. Develop a vaccine against Mondays to prevent them from erupting every week.
3. Sell “Monday Insurance” to help guarantee an uneventful Monday. For each Monday that goes poorly the insured person would collect a payment of $5k. Of course, Mondays would still suck... but we’d never have to work again.
4. Launder Mondays and distribute them to drug dealers in third world countries. They won’t know what they have until it’s too late. Then the Monday overload will cause their operations to crumble and we have the added bonus of solving the drug problem.
5. Mail them to Antarctica. The cold air will freeze them and prevent them from doing harm or multiplying. Plus, this strategy benefits the U.S. Postal system, which desperately needs our business. Mondays tend to be very heavy, and thus, very profitable.
6. Sentence convicted Wall Street Investors to live all our Mondays for us while we get to watch. Make it a reality show. The advertising dollars can go to support Social Security before it goes bankrupt.
7. Put all the Mondays in a padded cell, force their eyes open with toothpicks, and make them watch American Idol auditions so that these Mondays can get a sample of the pain they cause us.
The list is endless. I only know that Mondays are hell. It’s time we put Mondays in hell.