Scientists are busy researching all kinds of things. Some of these studies I really wonder about, such as whether or not people sleep more when they’re depressed (seriously - someone had to do a study to know this was true?). I won’t even get into all the completely absurd government funded studies out there. Instead, I’m going to discuss the things I want Science to validate or prove within my lifetime. These are things that would make life better for almost everyone, so they’re worth the time and funding it will take to prove them.
So here’s my list of scientific facts that I would like proven to be true:
1. Coffee is a miracle food. In fact, it’s so good for you that you can’t get enough of it. I’m not really sure what it does, it’s just so awesome that doctors will stop recommending that people drink water and will start recommending coffee.
2. Drinking tequila reverses gray hair back to it’s youthful color. Maybe it removes wrinkles, too.
3. Bacon makes you smarter. After this finding is published people will then have a choice: Do you want to be skinny or smart? That’s free will.
4. Beer saves marriages. Especially dark beer. The more beer you drink the happier your marriage will be. If you don’t like beer then wine is an acceptable substitute. I put this one in here for my husband since he loves beer. Do you see how happy it makes him to be married to me because I put this on this list? Science, I’m giving you data here. This is a freebie. You can thank me later. However, I can’t do everything for you -- so get moving!
5. Cinnamon rolls with icing cure cancer. They just should. Cancer is horrible so the cure should be wonderful.
6. Dogs hold the keys to the ultimate truths of the universe. I really like this one because I trust dogs. They’re very reliable. However, scientists will never be able to uncover this truth because they don’t know how to roll on the floor or scratch behind the ears correctly. Dogs don’t tell their secrets to just anyone, you know - especially the secrets of the Universe.
7. Cheese cleanses the soul. In fact, the stinkier the cheese the better it works. No one can harbor hatred or feel ill will when they’re tasting a great cheese. It’s impossible. And if you share that stinky cheese with friends the effect is even stronger. Especially if that friend is me. So stop worrying abut your arteries and start worrying about your soul.
8. Lingerie models are really robots. That’s the real secret that Victoria is hiding. Nothing human could possibly be that thin and pouty all the time.
9. You are more likely to get promoted or get a salary increase on your current job if you eat chocolate every day. It’s like a vitamin for your wallet. Don’t go broke. Grab a bon-bon for the sake of financial security.
10. Fajita Nachos and Margaritas are the cure for the common cold.
I think that should keep science busy for awhile. I’m not asking for much. I’m just asking for science to tell me what I want to hear. After all, corporations do it all the time and manage to get funding for it.