14 Crazy Church Posts In Preparation For Easter

 With Easter rapidly approaching, some of us may be planning to attend church for the first time in quite a while. Occasionally while visiting churches I like to pretend that I'm a visitor from another planet and just learning about the culture and customs of church. Here are a few of my posts on social media from these occasions. Important notes for reference: Mr Amy is the Music Director for all of these services, we live in Nashville where every church service is a major production, and I do play the drums.

Enjoy.

You know what the best thing about church is? They serve wine at 8:00 in the morning and no one thinks it's weird.

This morning's episode of Church Service is subtitled "The Wrath of Mom", where the character of Mom forces the children who were not ready on time to drink the substandard church coffee instead of stopping at Starbucks on the way there. Mom's cruelty knows no bounds!!!

In this morning's production of Church Service all parts had been previously cast, so I created the role of "Assistant Sound Engineer" because there are too many buttons on that board for one pair of hands. Plus I really want to mess with the sound levels while people are talking.

As "Assistant Sound Engineer" I have the power to mute anyone who says something I don't like. Carry on, Preacher. Carry on.

This morning in Church Service I've decided to enhance the pastor's reading by replacing the scripture verses with selections from Kerouac.

Good news! I've found some interpretive dancers to join in today's special beatnik production of Church Service. Won't the pastor be surprised when they rush the stage during the 3rd act!

The woman sitting next to me mumbled incessantly throughout the Church Service production, and I found it very distracting and disrespectful while I was typing all my text messages.

In order to make today's production of Church Service more interesting, I've decided that I will only speak using lyrics from songs by The Who.

Pastor: How are you doing today?
Amy: No one knows what it's like to be the bad man ... to be the sad man.
Pastor: Are you okay? Did you have trouble sleeping or something?
Amy: My dreams... They aren't as empty as my conscience seems to be.
Pastor: Let me go find your husband for you.

I love going to church because I always learn something. Today I learned that you're not supposed to use the leftover communion bread to make a sandwich and that "the alter is not a kitchen table."

In this morning's production of "Church Service" I've been assigned to the role of "Congregation Member." I have no solos. As a protest, I've painted my eyelids in the shade of "Yellow Scream." I'm planning to blink at the director so he can see my eyes screaming at him.

Good news! I downloaded a cowbell app for my phone and grabbed a wireless mic. Now I can add cowbell to all the songs from anywhere in the sanctuary!!!

In this morning's production of "Church Service" I'm playing the role of Slideshow Bob. This means that I push the button to change slides on the big screen. I'm thinking about editing the slides to make the service more entertaining.

So... "Running With the Devil" was not the best choice of music for exiting the church service, but I was only trying to get the crowd pumped.

Happy Easter, everyone!