Back Injury Stories

I have a friend who recently hurt his back while picking up a ping pong ball. Granted, a person doesn’t need to be lifting anything heavy to get a back injury - I know the spine is a complicated piece of anatomy and these things can happen at any time. However, I told this friend of mine that he needed a better story. The truth just isn’t going to cut it. After all, if you’ve injured yourself enough to be out of commission for a week or more, a lot of people are going to be asking about what happened.

So here’s a list of potential stories that could be used to make the incident sound more interesting:

“I threw out my back while bending the space time continuum.”

“There was this prostitute who used to be a contortionist ... ”

“I was building a secret library room for my friend Amy and her book collection is really heavy.”

“My parachute didn’t open. Again. I landed on my feet, but the impact did a number on my lower back.”

“I’ve been wrestling gargoyles for extra cash on the weekends. Those things are much stronger than they look.”

“I was really rocking the Chippendale’s auditions until I slipped on all those hundred dollar bills the ladies were throwing.”

“I finally got my budget balanced, but forcing the numbers into the right columns really hurt my back.”

“I’ve been doing some heavy reading and my back finally gave out under the weight of the acquired knowledge.”

This is just a few. Feel free to contribute your own suggestions so that the next time my friend hurts his back doing something simple, at least he'll have a lot of good stories to choose from.

The Poetry of Silence

I was recently in a reflective mood and thought about silence. In his magnum opus, David Foster Wallace indicated pauses in conversation by using an ellipse encapsulated in quotes. This signified silence from one of the speaking parties while the other was waiting for a response. In my reflective moment, I thought I’d invoke this technique in poetic form. Here are the results.

a conversation about nothing

" … "
" … "
" … "

" … "
" … "
" … "

a silent argument

                       " ... "
                                                                                                            " ... "
                       " ... "
                                                                                                            " ... "
                       " ... "
                                                                                                            " ... "
                       " ... "
                                                                                                            " ... "



                       " ... "
                                                                                                            " ... "
                       " ... "
                                                                                                            " ... "
                       " ... "
                                                                                                            " ... "
                       " ... "
                                                                                                            " ... "

understanding

         " ... "
                                                                                                                          " ... "
                           " ... "                      
                                                                                                           " ... "
                                              " ... "
                                                                                                     
                                                                                          " ... "

“ ... ”
“ ... ”

A Girl and Her Gargoyle - At The Movies

Newton and I went to see a film together. The movie was about a museum guard and his friend, so it seemed appropriate (gargoyles being natural guardians).

 Good news!  Gargoyles get in free! So we had extra money for concessions. Here's Newton choosing his beer:

Gargoyles also love popcorn. Luckily I got a large so there was enough for both of us.

 After the film Newton wanted a closer look at the dragon across the street. I think he may be in love.

Newton's Movie Review:
If you're looking for an action film that keeps your talons gripping your seat, this is not the film for you. Watching this film is like looking at a painting with intricate details and where the primary subject isn't always determined by the title of the piece. That was the director's point. While one of the main characters is a guardian, his claws were far too neatly manicured for him to be able to protect much. However, there were some great shots of the art in the museum and nice cinematography.

A Girl and Her Gargoyle ... At The Pancake Pantry

My new gargoyle arrived. I named him Newton. He was going to live in my courtyard outside my back door, but as soon as I unpacked him from the box I discovered that he was really an "inside" gargoyle. Not surprising, since gargoyles tend to take on the characteristics of their owners.

First of all, I followed the example of Andy in Toy Story and wrote my name on the bottom of Newton's feet:

And then guess what!  I discovered that Newton likes pancakes! So I took him to the Pancake Pantry for lunch. Here we are outside standing in line to get in:

There were a lot of choices on the menu. Newton wanted to try them all.

Good news - the Pancake Pantry does not discriminate against gargoyles and brought Newton his own glass of refreshing ice water. It's important for stone beings to stay hydrated, too.

Newton loved the bacon. It was extra crispy. He ate the whole plate by himself.

The Pancake Pantry was a hit with Newton. He gives it "two talons up" and recommends it to gargoyles who happen to be flying through town.

You're Next - Movie Review

Note: There are spoilers in this review.

I’m not a fan of horror movies, but Mr. Amy happens to love them. He’s seen just about every horror film ever made anywhere in the world. He loves scary things. That’s why he married me. So when I was offered a chance to preview the horror film “You’re Next” (which opens August 23), I decided to take Mr. Amy on a date to see it. Mr. Amy was skeptical, of course, as he has pretty much seen it all in this genre. I, on the other hand, wasn’t sure I would be able to sleep for the next week. However, we were both pleasantly surprised by this film.

The movie is about a home invasion and has been billed as the next generation in horror films. The trailer makes it look creepy. However, it’s not a new way to terrorize horror fans - it’s a new way to entertain them and fans of movies like Evil Dead will probably really enjoy this film.

The movie started out in the predictable horror formula, but very soon I was engaged with dialog so calculatingly bad that there was no way it was an accident. These writers knew the rules of screen dialog and broke them with gusto. The results were hilarious and I have not laughed that hard in a movie in a long time.  For example, when no one can get cell phone service one of the family members states, “He’s probably using a cell phone blocker. They’re illegal, but you can get one on the internet for about $30.” Another of my favorite conversations is early in the film when the family members are at dinner talking about how they only watch TV for the commercials and they think that documentary style commercials are a good idea.

If you can stomach the bloody scenes, this movie is an excellent study in what not to do when writing dialog. Yes, this is a gory film and there’s plenty of fake blood splattered. However, there are several creative kills that were so ridiculous that I laughed and cringed at the same time. Between the entertaining dialog and the creative take on an old genre, this movie was worth seeing.