One of my favorite pastimes is making up band names. See my previous posts here and here for more about this hobby.
However, the other day I was in the grocery store and saw a product called “Sweet Potato and Beet Chips” and I came up with another genius band name: The Beet Chips.
The Beet Chips is a group of five Guys names named “Chip” who sing songs about beets. Their first album will be an EP with 5 cover tunes familiar to the average listener. Only the most astute listeners will catch the nuance of the band singing about “beets” rather than “beats.” This is primarily because the difference in pronunciation will be difficult to detect because of the Chips’ accents (they’re going to be British). The track listing on their EP will be something like this:
Every Beet of My Heart
We Got the Beet
Rockin’ to the Beet
You Can’t Stop the Beat
Their second album, which is destined to fail miserably, will be a series of love songs to beets. Songs will include such tracks as the ballad “I Wouldn’t Get My Iron Anywhere Else” or the pop tunes “Purple Passion and Fiber” and “Borscht, Borscht, Baby.”
Critics and fans will, of course, disagree over the quality of the music with each party attempting to proclaim the album as more of a miserable failure. New words will be invented to describe the enormous level of suck and a media war will ensue as the album’s ratings continue to decline into negative numbers.
At this point two of the Chips will become severely depressed and question why the beet betrayed them. One will turn to alcohol and make an appearance on Celebrity Rehab where Dr. Drew will attempt to get Chip to start eating beets again. However, this treatment will later backfire as Chip eventually learns how to freebase beets from watching one of the other celebrities.
The most heartbreaking part of this fiasco is that 20 years later there will be 5 guys named Nick who repeat the entire cycle by forming a group called “The Beet Nicks.” It just goes to show that you should always do your research. But the Nicks won’t be that bright. They will just look good in red turtlenecks and love songs about iron rich foods.