Poetry for Parents, Volume 2

A second installment of verse for those of us with children between the ages of 13 and finally moved out. This is dedicated to all the parents who don't have self-washing dishes.

The Dish Elves

So many dirty dishes
Piled high in the sink
But not a teen could be found
Who was able to think

Is there something that we should
Do with these things?
Why are these still here?
What do these things mean?

These dishes are nasty!
Why aren’t they clean?
Where are the dish elves?
Where can those elves be?

Now who’ll wash the dishes?
What will we do?
Why are they still dirty?
Please give us a clue!

Here’s an idea:
Let’s search for those elves
Otherwise we must do
All these dishes ourselves

Let’s look on the TV
For an hour or two
Or perhaps a few more
Since there’s nothing to do

Now on the computer
We’ll check email to see
If there’s a message from “dish elves”
Telling where they would be

Cell phones are useful
We can text all our friends
To see if someone has
A dish elf to lend

The day is now over
Dirty dishes remain
We searched for the dish elves
But our search was in vain.

We’ve learned that these dishes
Won’t wash themselves
We must wash our own dishes
Without dirty dish elves

Memo: The Dish Elves have left the building. Please take care of your own messes.

Poetry For Parents - Volume 1

Last year the book Go The F**k to Sleep was released and was well received by parents everywhere who've experienced difficulty getting a child to go to bed. Honestly, I'm not sure if you can be called a parent if you haven't had this struggle with a child. We've all been there.

However, it's been over a decade since I've had to deal with this issue. In fact, the best solution for a toddler who won't sleep is to become a teenager, because it's nearly impossible to wake kids up after the age of 13. So here's my poetic response from the opposite end of the spectrum.

Wake The F**k Up

You’re a slumbering teen
In a dreamland so fine
But you’ve now been asleep
For a very long time

You went to bed early
And you’re still not awake
After twelve or more hours ...
How much sleep can one take?

The sun is now shining
In the sky, overhead
So it’s time to get moving
And get the hell out of bed

It’s past time for school
And your ride didn’t wait
There’s learning to have
And knowledge to take

Now you’ve missed the bus
Five times in five days
Because you can’t arise
And get out of your haze

You said you’d wake up
And get yourself fed
So it’s time to get moving
And get the hell out of bed

You’re missing the world
It’s passing you by
I know you could do things
If you would just try

I’ve made enough noise
To wake up the hood
But I said I was sorry
And the cop understood

We both checked your pulse
To confirm you’re not dead
So please wake the f**k up
And get the hell out of bed

Stop hitting the snooze
And quit sleeping in
Just open your eyes
Don’t roll over again

So it’s time to wake up
I wont say it again
Please get your ass moving
And get the f**k out of bed

Perhaps if I read this to my kids from a picture book it might embarrass them enough to wake up on time regularly.

The Measure of All Things

Economists will say that something is worth as much as another person is willing to pay for it. They’re economists, so of course they’re talking about money. But why do we always look at money to determine the bottom line on decisions? Why don’t we consider other costs or gains? I think money is the measure of all things because money is easy to count. It comes with numbers pasted right on the face of it. There are different denominations, and we can make change with it. You can’t do that as easily with things like your health, well-being, relationships, quality of life, or soul. But what if you could? What if whenever you made a purchase or decision a cosmic cashier could ring you up and before you walk out the door with that freshly made choice the clerk would say:

“That will cost you half your liver. You’ll be placed on an installment plan with a balloon payment due upon your untimely death.”

or

“That will cost you two marriages and the relationship with your oldest child. Taxes will be added and annually compounded in order to add emotional injury to your loved ones.”

or

“That will cost you 1/5th of your soul. Would you like me to supersize your material gain for only 10% more of your soul?”

The truth is that we pay these prices, but we’re so busy looking at the things we can easily measure that we don’t notice. Sometimes when a person tells me that their budget can’t afford a vacation or a work of art I respond with, “My soul can’t afford for me not to have it.” Because the truth is that we can always afford what’s most important to us, and when I’m gone I want the people around me to remember the joy we experienced together and be comforted by positive memories in their pain. Money has no power to do this.

Rest assured, I’m not advising going into debt in order to justify spending on a whim. I’m simply asking people to re-prioritize and think about the yardsticks we’re all using to make sure that it’s the right one. Money shouldn’t be the measure of all things. It’s simply a vehicle to achieve other more important things. For some reason we’ve devalued the wrong currency.