Requirements for My New Home

I'm in the process of selling my house and looking for a new one. In order to make things easier for my real estate agent, I've put together a list of house requirements.  Here they are:


1. The house should be self-cleaning. That’s a no brainer. I just don’t have time to clean a house. Unless the house is less than three years old, it really should know how to clean itself, anyway.

2. A secret room with a door that’s hidden behind a bookcase. I’ve been after the husband to build one for me, but it hasn’t happened yet. He’s tried to convince me that he already built one and that it’s so secret that only he knows where it is. But I don’t believe him.

3. Apparently Johnny Depp has recently bought a home in Nashville. I will consider any house next door to him, even if it isn’t self-cleaning. However, the secret room behind the bookshelf is still a requirement.

4. A library. This can be either inside of the secret room or outside of it or (preferably) both.

5. The house must be kitsch-proof. It’s a well-known fact that kitsch is like kudzu in some areas of suburbia, so my house is probably going to need to be in a slightly more urban area. Cookie cutter houses are also prone to kitsch, so the house will need to be unique.

6. It should have at least one large bathroom with a deep bathtub in which I can soak for hours to read. Soundproof walls so that I can’t hear the kids calling for me would be a bonus.

These are my top requirements. A kitchen would be nice, but having one in the house can often lead to the pressure to do some cooking, so I’m okay without one. Unless it already comes with a cook, of course.

Things to Do When You're Bored

I almost never get bored. In fact, I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t had much time to  update my blog. So, since I haven’t been available to keep my readers properly entertained, I’ve created a list of things you can do -- just in case you happen to get bored waiting for my next post.

1.) Create a LinkedIn profile for Satan and send people connection requests asking for their souls.

2.) Go to the grocery store and ask the butcher if s/he has any koala meat available. If the response is no, tell the butcher you know where to find it cheap and give him/her directions to the zoo.

3.) Write up a proposal to add a helicopter landing pad on top of your house and submit it to the homeowners association for review.

4.) Start a corporation called “Pass the Buck, Inc.” and specialize in blame shifting. Place ads in the Wall Street Journal and wait for the phone to ring. Offer special discounts to politicians.

5.) Step into a crowded elevator, look around, and then remark how impressed you are that the cleaning crew managed to get all that blood off the walls. Then talk about how you still can’t get it off your shoes and would really like to know what products they use.

6.) Randomly place “For Sale” signs in front of your neighbors’  houses. Add a line advertising “Family included!”

7.) Paint flames going up the arms of your chair at work. If your chair doesn’t have arms, place it in the hallway with a coffee cup and a sign that says, “Please help - I have no arms and need money for a transplant.”

8.) Dress up as a witch and go to your neighbor’s house asking if you can borrow a cup of children.

9.) Think up creative names for your WiFi to mess with your neighbors such as “I am Big Brother” or “Party tonight at [insert your neighbor’s address here]” or “Silence of the LANs” or “IRS Surprise Mobile Audit Team.” Be creative and think like a stalker.

10.) If all else fails, follow the example of Pinky and the Brain and try to take over the world. That should keep you busy for quite awhile. It is a big place, after all.