10 Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than People.

1.) They don’t give you bad financial advice.  In fact, my dog has never interfered with my finances or asked for any gift larger than a slice of pizza.

2.) They never ask if they can date your single friends or if you can set them up with someone.  So you never have to worry about how to handle the situation if you’re walking through the park one day and run into other dogs they’ve previously dated.

3.) They don’t brag about how much money they make or what kind of car they drive.

4.) They don’t try to push their belief system on you.  Can you imagine your dog scolding you for flushing your poop away instead of rolling in it?  I didn’t think so.  

5.) They know how to eat and never refuse food because they’re “on a diet.”  

6.) They don’t pretend to love work unless they really do love it.

7.) They always tell you that your food is great, no matter what your cooking skills.  And they believe it, too.

8.) They’re never too busy for you.  Whether you want to play with them or hold them while you cry.  Dogs know how to be there with you.

9.)  When they’re dying they don’t make demands, try to manipulate people, or make anyone feel guilty over relationships.  They don’t ask for memorials or worry about how you’ll remember them.  They only ask that you be there with them when they pass away.  That’s why I respect them and wish I could be more like them.  They know how to love.

10.) They know what’s important and that’s what they focus their lives upon: relationships.

Eight Ways to Procrastinate

Sure you could troll FaceBook, watch YouTube videos, or surf the Internet, but there are better ways to procrastinate.  Here are some of my favorite ways to procrastinate:

1.) Play with dolls.  DO NOT under any circumstances take them out of the package.  The employees in the toy store get really angry when you do that.  Sometimes they even make you buy the dolls.

2.) Make a list of all the restaurants that give you free drinks on your birthday.  Then schedule more birthdays for yourself.  Get these on your calendar and make sure that you don’t have two scheduled too closely together at the same restaurant.  I recommend at least 6 months apart.

3.) Prepare excuses in case you’re caught having two free birthday drinks at the same restaurant in less than a year.  For example, “Oh, you must be thinking about my twin brother.  He was here six months ago on his birthday.” or “Sorry, I was here with my sister when it was her birthday.  Perhaps you remember me from that time, but she was the one who got the free drink.”  And so forth.

4.) Set up a FaceBook account for your dog or cat.  Next, teach them their password because you’ll never remember it.

5.) Hack my dog’s Facebook account.  Once you get in, please send me the password because neither I nor my dog remember it.

6.) Build a new food pyramid out of legos and then write letters to the government on why they should adopt it.  The letters should all be done in PowerPoint.  No paragraphs or prose, but some poetry will be allowed if it is Haiku or Limerick in format.  Encourage the government to write back in the same format, as no other writing style will be considered a serious response to your efforts.

7.) Make a list of your skills and a separate list for your super powers.  Elaborate on why you have classified each as such.  For example, super human strength is really a skill.  Why?

8.) Write a blog about nonsense.  (Check that one off my list for today).

Why Deadlines Suck

I'm behind on a deadline for my book(s), which got me to thinking about how much deadlines suck.  To be fair, I think that aligning tasks in a timeline is a good thing.  But no one likes deadlines.  They're the red headed step child of project management.  So it got me thinking about why deadlines suck and what we can do about it.

First of all, nothing with the word “dead” in the title is good.  Right off the start the word has a negative connotation.  If you want someone to think positively about a deadline then it needs to be rebranded with a more acceptable term other than “dead.”  Secondly, deadlines are like ghosts floating in the air trying to frighten people who don’t believe they exist.  They’re more annoying than scary.

So here are a few alternative suggestions:

Lifeline

It means the same thing as deadline, but it puts a positive spin on task completion because when you achieve it you’ll really feel “alive!”

Happy Moment

When the task is complete you’re in your “happy moment.”  Or maybe the boss is in her happy moment.  Either way it sounds positive and uplifting, like a good bra.

Zombieline 

Because zombies are “undead” and zombie movies are fun.  Let’s transfer these concepts to goal attainment terminology.

Punishment Avoidance Date

This one is self explanatory.  However, it still has a slight negative connotation.  I give it points for honesty, but it’s not my favorite option. It’s like saying “slightly soiled intestinal tubes” instead of “sausage casing.”  See the difference?

Fleeting Moment of Accomplishment

This term evokes honesty and realism.  When your boss checks in she can say “Have you reached your fleeting moment of accomplishment yet?”  Because as soon as you say yes you know you’ll be getting more work.  The moment really is fleeting.

Successful Posterior View

Meaning that when you look back you feel successful if you have reached your goal.  Plus this sounds like you’ve been in the gym and have a great butt.  Who wouldn’t want that?

Don’t kid yourself.  Whatever you call it we’ll all know that you’re lying and trying to sell us sewage scented perfume.  Deadlines stink no matter what you call them.  But we’ll have a great time laughing at you for using these absurd terms.