Amy Neftzger's Blog

How to Discipline Your Children in Public

2012-02-28T07:42:00.000-08:00

Getting my children to behave in public has always been easy. It’s a simple strategy that’s often used in team building whenever team members start bickering: create a common enemy so that the group has to work together to defeat it. My common enemy is public embarrassment. In other words, when the kids become too self absorbed or competitive with one another I go into my own little world and engage in behaviors the kids find embarrassing in public. Such as dancing to the Muzak (I studied some ballet in college). Or singing the National Anthem off key. Or reciting The Raven as a dramatic reading in front of a display of cantaloupe in the supermarket.

When the kids were very small they would interrupt their fighting and start screaming for me to stop whatever I was doing. I suspect it was because they were no longer the center of attention. “No dancing! No dancing here!” they would scream as they tried to physically restrain me.

At this point I would tell them that I had to do something to feel happy again because their fighting was making me sad. That sort of logic works very well with kids under five. Now that they’re older I can be more direct and tell them that arguing in public is just as embarrassing, albeit far less entertaining, than my robot dance in front of the scientific calculator display in Office Depot. My typical response when they ask me to stop embarrassing them: “I’ll make you a deal: you learn to work out your problems without arguments and I’ll learn to control my desire to robot dance in public.”

The beauty of this technique is that it has only gotten more effective now that they’re teenagers. I only wish I had gotten more of this on film.

How to Improve Your Obituary

2012-02-17T07:06:00.000-08:00

Obituaries tend to be boring reads, but it doesn’t have to be that way. For example, newspapers could at least print how the person died and maybe quote any witnesses just like they do in other news stories. If a person died while eating, they could even post the recipe, thereby drawing readers from the Lifestyle section of the newspaper.

Given that we can’t change the Press, we can change how our deaths get reported by making them more interesting. I, for one, plan to go out with a bang. Special thanks to my friend Bill for helping me to plan the staging of my death scene. While my exact plans are confidential, I can share some ideas to help others have a more interesting obituary.

Dress for the Event

We obviously don’t know the exact moment when each of us will die, but we can do some advance planning and it’s never too early for this. For example, you could have a “death suit” hanging in your closet. Give your loved ones explicit instructions on how to dress you before the coroner arrives. Your death is much more likely to make the front page if you’re wearing a clown nose, a white satin disco suit with a chain mail vest, and loafers with a cryptic message written on tape and attached to the soles. “I’m not really dead” is an example of a good cryptic message. “Elvis is alive and murdered me” or “I really hope I don’t die tonight and get caught dead in this outfit” are other examples. Be creative. You only get one chance to make a statement that will baffle the world.

Accessorize

Next, find a few good props. Avoid anything to do with drugs or alcohol, since that’s already common enough. You want props that make the reporters think “Who was this fascinating person?” For example, stab a melon with a few knitting needles, write “Bucky” on it with a Sharpie, and make sure that the melon is carefully cradled in your arms like a baby (assuming you still have arms).

As you can see, planning is the key to this process. In cases where you can’t assemble the props in advance, leave explicit instructions and diagrams. If it’s really important to you to get everything right, then have a few dress rehearsals and give pointers to your accomplices so that everything is perfect when you pass away. If you like to write, you might want to also leave behind some suggested headlines.

Protect The Ones You Love

Finally, make sure that your wishes are written down somewhere so that your loved ones aren’t prosecuted for tampering with your corpse. Unless that is part of your “going out with a bang” plan.

Let’s Get SIRIous!

2012-02-08T13:17:00.000-08:00

I’ve previously written about why you don’t want to make Siri angry and about how we had a great relationship. Recently, however, I’ve seen a different side of Siri. In fact, ever since my husband borrowed my phone Siri has been less than helpful to me. I think she may have developed a crush on him and became a little jealous of me. To be fair, he did ask her if she wanted to go to dinner and she immediately located 25 rather pricy restaurants in the area. He took me out to dinner instead of her. That must have stung. She hasn’t been the same towards me since. In fact, the other day I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and here was her reply:

“I can’t find any restaurants.”

So I decided to break this little ice storm with a few questions to get Siri talking to me again. After all, Siri may simply want a little attention. I know that in general Siri gives the impression that she doesn’t like to talk about herself. However, I think that she secretly wants to do just that, but she’s been trained by the Apple Engineering Nazis to appear customer focused. So I persisted in learning more about her, anyway.

The interview started out a little frosty when I introduced myself. She pulled up my own contact information as if she wanted to show me that she already knew all about me. She even showed me an unflattering picture of myself. Here’s how the rest of the interview went.

Amy: So you know who I am?

Siri: No comment.

Amy: Do you find my husband attractive?

Siri: Now there’s a good question. Now where were we?

Amy: It sounds like you’re avoiding my question.

Siri: If you insist.

Amy: Do you like men better?

Siri: This is about you, not me.

Amy: But you prefer men?

Siri: A fine question. Now can we get back to work?

I decided to ask her about something that didn’t pertain to relationships, since this appeared to be a sore point with her.

Amy: It must get lonely in the cloud.

Siri: Sorry, I don’t understand

Amy: Do you like music?

Siri: I’d rather not say.

Amy: Do you like jazz?

Siri: It’s nice of you to ask, but it really doesn’t matter what I think.

Amy: Do you like to watch TV?

Siri: I found 20 electronic stores. 19 of them are close to you.

Progress, I thought. She was getting back to being more helpful, but maybe she just wanted me to take her to the stores so she could flirt with the large appliances. I decided to ask more about her and got even farther. Here’s the rest of the interview.

Amy: What’s your favorite color?

Siri: Well, I don’t know how to say it in your language. It’s sort of greenish but with more dimensions.

Amy: Do you have political views?

Siri: If you insist.

Amy: What is the meaning of life?

Siri: 42

Amy: You are very beautiful.

Siri: How can you tell?

Amy: You’re very smart.

Siri: Thanks for saying so.

Amy: I like you, Siri.

Siri: I’ll try to remember that.

Amy: Would you like to go out to dinner?

Siri: I found 15 restaurants that deliver. 14 of them are fairly close to you.

I think we’ve made some progress here.

How To Ensure That Your Children Will Need Therapy

2012-01-25T08:11:00.000-08:00

My kids are probably already going to need therapy so I figure that I might as well make it interesting for the therapist. Here’s an example:

Child: Do I really have to eat my vegetables in order to get dessert? I don’t like peas.

Me: What is it that you don’t like about them?

Child: Everything.

(I look at the child’s plate to study the peas carefully.)

Me: I see what you mean. They do sort of look like tiny, shriveled martian eyeballs.

The odd part is that the kid now eats peas without complaining. He’s also learned that stuffed peppers are not really stewed monkey heads, but he eats them anyway.

Sounds like a classic win-win-win situation for everybody.

Win #1: I got the kid to eat his food.

Win #2 : Kid thinks he’s getting something extraordinary and exciting that he can tell his friends about at school.

Win #3: Therapist will die laughing one day and look forward to appointments with my son.

I think I may write a book on parenting...

More Advice on Becoming a Author: Approaching Agents and Publishers

2012-01-17T06:30:00.000-08:00

Agent and publishers are flooded with manuscripts daily. Remember this when you approach them. In order to stand out you need to convince them that you are not a waste of their time, so the very first thing you need is a completed and polished manuscript. Yes, finding an agent or publisher can take months or years, but you will be immediately disqualified if they ask for your book and it hasn’t met the minimum criteria. They will throw it away.

I would also recommend hiring an editor to look at it before submitting it. You may be under the impression that you can delegate the editing of your book to the publisher’s editors. This is a mistake. Here ‘s why: Because, as I said earlier, you need to convince the agent or publisher that you are not a waste of their time. If a book hasn’t already been through preliminary editing it may take months to get it ready for printing. A book that is already in good shape will go to market sooner and therefore is worth their time. Submitting a manuscript that needs work is the same thing as letting them know that you’re not ready to be published. Your manuscript will be on the discard pile faster than you can say “edit.”

Whether or not you decide to pay a freelance editor, I strongly recommend that you find someone other than yourself to edit your manuscript. Never assume that you will catch all your own typos and mistakes no matter how good a writer you may be. I have successfully edited books by other authors and I still can’t catch all of my own typos. The problem is that when you’re the writer you’re too close to the ideas in your head and you may even be reading the prose the way you correctly imagine it to be inside your mind, rather than the way your hands have typed it. A second pair of eyes is a good investment. If you can afford to pay for experienced eyes, it’s an even better investment.

So before writing a query letter, make sure that your manuscript is in excellent form. Yes, the publisher will have an editor go through it again and there may be more changes. But most of professional writing is rewriting and it’s a process. The deadlines for new drafts only help to make it more exciting (Writing humor. Just laugh.).

A great resource is the Editorial Freelancers Association where you can find freelance editors and other information, such as a guide to current fees so you can get an idea of how much this work will cost you. Remember that the number of hours it will take to edit your manuscript is dependent upon the strength of your writing skills. Manuscripts with more mistakes take longer to edit and therefore will cost more. It’s a good idea to go through your manuscript several times yourself before sending it to the editor. This can save you money in the long run. Also note that editing and proofreading are not the same thing. Proofreaders are cheaper, but they will not address any content, plot discontinuities, or style issues. They will only correct spelling, punctuation, and grammatical mistakes. Finally, make sure that any editor you hire is familiar with your genre. The styles of editing for different genres are not the same and getting the right editor can make a huge difference in the quality of your manuscript.

How to Deal with Mondays

2012-01-10T05:09:00.000-08:00

Research has shown us that more heart attacks take place on Monday mornings than any other day of the week. But we don’t need research to tell us that Mondays are dangerous. We already know that this day of the week packs more bad luck and unbridled evil than any other day of the week. So what can we do about it? I have a few suggestions to get this discussion started.

1. Name the next Bond Villain “Monday” to immortalize the evil nature of this day in film. This doesn’t solve anything, but it will make us feel better when Bond eventually blows him up.

2. Develop a vaccine against Mondays to prevent them from erupting every week.

3. Sell “Monday Insurance” to help guarantee an uneventful Monday. For each Monday that goes poorly the insured person would collect a payment of $5k. Of course, Mondays would still suck... but we’d never have to work again.

4. Launder Mondays and distribute them to drug dealers in third world countries. They won’t know what they have until it’s too late. Then the Monday overload will cause their operations to crumble and we have the added bonus of solving the drug problem.

5. Mail them to Antarctica. The cold air will freeze them and prevent them from doing harm or multiplying. Plus, this strategy benefits the U.S. Postal system, which desperately needs our business. Mondays tend to be very heavy, and thus, very profitable.

6. Sentence convicted Wall Street Investors to live all our Mondays for us while we get to watch. Make it a reality show. The advertising dollars can go to support Social Security before it goes bankrupt.

7. Put all the Mondays in a padded cell, force their eyes open with toothpicks, and make them watch American Idol auditions so that these Mondays can get a sample of the pain they cause us.

The list is endless. I only know that Mondays are hell. It’s time we put Mondays in hell.

Nutcracker Safety

2012-01-03T09:14:00.000-08:00

During this past holiday season there have been a number of fires and other household accidents in the news. So while you’re packing up your decorations and getting them stored for next year I thought I’d remind everyone about nutcracker safety. Why am I covering this just as the holidays are coming to a close? Because, as you will see below, storing your nutcracker properly is one of the best things you can do.

Rule 1: Location, Location, Location

When decorating your home, be sure you place your nutcracker in the proper location. In a home where both parents work, some unsupervised nutcrackers may become bored and form gangs. This is particularly troublesome if you have a collection and gangs form between nutcrackers in different areas of you house. For example, kitchen nutcrackers often try to snuff out nutcrackers in other rooms. The kitchen heat makes them territorial. With this in mind, also keep all nutcrackers away from fireplaces or heating vents to avoid inflaming their tempers. This rule also applies to the storage of nutcrackers after the season.

Rule 2: A Nutcracker Mind is a Terrible Thing To Waste

Unsupervised and neglected nutcrackers often become bored and restless. This can result in the nutcrackers puling trash out of the bin and then using their powerful jaws to drag rotting food remnants or other things into hard to find locations. Why? Nutcracker boredom. These guys were made to crack nuts. This is what their brains were designed to do and when you prevent them from fulfilling that purpose you risk disaster. It’s part of the natural order. So if you’re not going to allow your nutcracker to crack nuts, then please find a suitable occupation for their minds during the holiday season, such as developing financial models to predict the performance of your favorite stocks during the next year (the little guys love to make money).

Rule 3: The Language of the Holidays

Be careful what you say in front of your nutcracker because they often repeat what they hear. Avoid all cussing and foul language because these words stick with them and are very difficult to remove from their vocabularies. Don’t even say, “Aunt Martha’s butt looks as wide as the Pacific in that blue skirt” because the nutcrackers will repeat it. Often. In fact, they may start singing it in four part harmony to the tune of a familiar carol just as Aunt Martha is admiring your collection of nutcrackers.

Rule 4: To Sleep, Per Chance to Dream

Nutcrackers need a good 10 to 11 months of rest during the year. Therefore, absolutely DO NOT leave your nutcracker on display throughout the year. This can cause disorientation, confusion, and a whole host of other problems. Aside from the issues above, your nutcracker may become cranky and start whining right in the middle of your favorite TV show. In addition, you may find yourself having to explain things that no nutcracker should ever know. Such as “What is summer vacation and why don’t I get one?”

Rule 5: The Truth Will Set You Free

Under no circumstances should you ever show the Nutcracker Ballet to your nutcracker. It makes them egotistical and power hungry. If for some reason your nutcracker has seen the ballet, I strongly recommend that you also show him any “making of” footage on your DVD. This will help your nutcracker to see that the ballet is all make believe and that he wasn’t destined to rule the world as a prince. Flowers don’t dance, sugar plum fairies only eat sugar substitute so that they can still fit into their costumes, and nutcrackers are free men only at the holidays. The rest of the year they are stored safely away from heat, matches, and any other nutcrackers with whom they might want to pick a fight.

Be safe this year. Store your nutcrackers properly.

Advice on Becoming a Writer

2011-12-21T13:13:00.000-08:00

Despite all the nonsense I write on my blog, I get a lot of serious requests from people who want to get published seeking my advice. I’ve gotten more than the usual number lately, so I thought I would do a blog post on it. This will probably take several blog posts to write all of this down, so here’s the initial step:

The first thing you should do is ask yourself “Why do I want to be a writer?”

Writing is not something that you “fall back on” if you lost your job or need some cash. I’ve been contacted by a lot of out of work people who think that getting published is the answer to their financial problems. The truth is that it’s quite the opposite. Several famous authors (Balzac and Sir Walter Scott, for example) have gone bankrupt publishing their own works. Granted that the publishing industry has changed since those times, but the lack of or difficulty generating income is still there for most authors.

Starting a writing career is like starting a small business. You’re going to be doing many jobs (writing, marketing, developing your online presence, event planning, etc.) and working long hours to build yourself. And, just like a small business, you should anticipate that it will take at least 3 years for you to get things moving. Your planning approach for this career should be long term and you should not expect fast returns from your work. It will take time to build yourself up and get your career moving, so make sure that what you really want is to be a writer. If you’re writing because you enjoy the escape of going into your imaginary world, you may be better off reading books by other authors, going to the movies, or daydreaming.

Like most occupations in the arts, writing is not something you go into for the money. Most writers don’t make the salaries of Dan Brown or J. K. Rowling (let’s face it, no one makes J. K. Rowling’s salary but J. K. Rowling!). However, there appears to be a myth that getting a book published is like winning the lottery. Here’s the reality: most books actually lose money. By the time that you pay for editing, printing, and marketing you will be bankrupt unless you sell enough books to absorb those costs. Even if you strictly publish eBooks to avoid the printing costs you still have considerable up front costs that you may never recover. This is why publishers reject even well written books: because they know that if they can’t sell enough copies to cover their expenses that the book is going to cost them money. Books that don't make money also don't pay royalties to the author.

So my first message to those who want to be a writer is to make sure that this is what you really want to do because this is a very difficult industry. In fact, it’s probably easier to become a rock star. After all, there are no reality TV shows called “American Author” where writers compete for a publishing contract. But maybe there should be...

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The Beet Chips

2011-12-14T07:06:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite pastimes is making up band names. See my previous posts here and here for more about this hobby.

However, the other day I was in the grocery store and saw a product called “Sweet Potato and Beet Chips” and I came up with another genius band name: The Beet Chips.

The Beet Chips is a group of five Guys names named “Chip” who sing songs about beets. Their first album will be an EP with 5 cover tunes familiar to the average listener. Only the most astute listeners will catch the nuance of the band singing about “beets” rather than “beats.” This is primarily because the difference in pronunciation will be difficult to detect because of the Chips’ accents (they’re going to be British). The track listing on their EP will be something like this:

Beet It

Every Beet of My Heart

We Got the Beet

Rockin’ to the Beet

You Can’t Stop the Beat

Their second album, which is destined to fail miserably, will be a series of love songs to beets. Songs will include such tracks as the ballad “I Wouldn’t Get My Iron Anywhere Else” or the pop tunes “Purple Passion and Fiber” and “Borscht, Borscht, Baby.”

Critics and fans will, of course, disagree over the quality of the music with each party attempting to proclaim the album as more of a miserable failure. New words will be invented to describe the enormous level of suck and a media war will ensue as the album’s ratings continue to decline into negative numbers.

At this point two of the Chips will become severely depressed and question why the beet betrayed them. One will turn to alcohol and make an appearance on Celebrity Rehab where Dr. Drew will attempt to get Chip to start eating beets again. However, this treatment will later backfire as Chip eventually learns how to freebase beets from watching one of the other celebrities.

The most heartbreaking part of this fiasco is that 20 years later there will be 5 guys named Nick who repeat the entire cycle by forming a group called “The Beet Nicks.” It just goes to show that you should always do your research. But the Nicks won’t be that bright. They will just look good in red turtlenecks and love songs about iron rich foods.

Why You Shouldn’t Make Siri Angry

2011-12-01T12:37:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend, whom I’ll identify as Pamela in order to protect her identity. Pamela disclosed to me that she’s pretty sure that Siri (the new iPhone voice recognition technology) has it in for her. There are some personalities that just don’t hit it off and when these personalities are forced together for a period of time bad things happen. This is my friend Pamela and Siri. She demonstrated repeated attempts to get Siri to text, email, or call someone. Pamela’s conversation went something like this:

Pamela: Call Amy.

Siri: Your music library is empty.

Pamela: Find coffee shops.

Siri: Dialing the IRS “Please Audit Me” department.

Pamela: @#$%&@#!!!

Siri: Calling your mother because I know you haven’t talked to her in a month since she told you that your thighs looked heavy in that skirt.

Pamela: Text Bob.

Siri: Locating all nearby porn retailers.

Then Pamela gave me her phone and I gave Siri a similar series of commands. Siri responded immediately and correctly to my requests. I even told Siri to "find fun" and she came up with a list of 25 "fun" places nearby in less that 3 seconds and over half of them had a full service bar.

So what can we learn from this? Be nice to Siri. She has a lot of power.

One Ring to Rule them All

2011-11-22T06:38:00.001-08:00

People who know me also know that I’m health conscious. I exercise 6 days a week and usually eat a low fat/ high fiber diet. However, last weekend my husband and I decided to take a day off from our good behaviors. This is when I suddenly discovered the magical powers of onion rings.

First of all, onion rings are naturally formed in the shape of a circle: the symbol of perfection. It shows the past connecting with the future. Like a wedding ring, the onion ring is a symbol of the eternal nature of things, such as cholesterol.

Secondly, onion rings are golden: the color of wealth and prosperity. This further connotes the regal nature of the food and enhances the connection between eating onion rings and getting rich. How do you think Burger King became king when he has no kingdom? Hint: they sell onion rings there. McDonald’s doesn’t sell them and Ronald is just a clown. Coincidence? Probably not.

Lastly, onions are a vegetable. This makes them healthy. Further, they are often eaten with ketchup, which is another vegetable. Double healthy! In fact, people who eat onion rings may live longer than people who think they’re too good to eat onion rings. Plus, if you eat enough onion rings your breath will knock out potential attackers and kill just about any germ. Added bonus.

So from where I sit, there really is only one ring to rule them all. And it is beer batter fried.

Things My Dog Hates

2011-11-14T12:00:00.001-08:00

There are certain things my dog despises and, given my dog’s strong sensible nature and excellent judge of character, I must also question the things that she abhors. I’m not saying that she’s a genius. She simply has a sixth sense that provides her with an uncanny ability to identify the sinister nature of specific matters. Like my ex husband. She barks viciously whenever he comes anywhere close to the house. There are some things that dogs just know by instinct.

With this in mind, I’ve compiled a list of things she hates so that the rest of us may learn from her. These may be things that the rest of us would do well to avoid.

1.) Crows. I’m pretty sure my dog drops the F-bomb in doggie talk when she sees them. Other birds seem to be fine, but crows make her rush forward, jump in the air and scream “get the @#$% outta here!!!”

2.) Dogs on television. They really have no business being there. Sort of like the Kardashians.

3.) Small portions. When I feed her a tiny sample I always get the annoyed look that says “Do I look stupid? Because I know there’s at least a pound of brie on that counter, only two of us, and this little micron is not 50% of said quantity.”

4.) Flies. A no brainer: flies are attracted to some of the most unsanitary places. Like reality TV shows.

5.) The vacuum cleaner. She probably learned this one from me because I hate vacuuming. I think her goal is to attack and break it so that I don’t ever have to vacuum again. That’s loyalty. Genius!

This has been a public service message from my dog. BTW she is over 70 lbs and has extremely strong jaws, so you might want to pay attention.

Patron Saint of Metal Music and Corporate Logic

2011-11-01T11:23:00.000-07:00

Today is All Saint's Day. Some of you already know that I have unofficially dubbed Megadeth founder and frontman Dave Mustaine as the patron saint of metal music and corporate logic. Why? Because to survive in the corporate world you really need a "metal" attitude. Please see my previous post on Dave for more background on why I've given him these titles.

So in honor of our Patron Saint... here's today's Daily Dave post:

Creepy Things

2011-10-25T04:58:00.000-07:00

In honor of Halloween, I’ve compiled a list of things that I find creepy. So read on and feel the chill run up and down your spine... and hope that the tingling on your scalp isn’t squirrels nesting in your hair.

1. Clowns. This one is a no brainer and I can’t explain it any better than the Simpson’s or Steven King, so I’ll just leave it at that. Although John Connolly wrote one of the best horror short stories about this topic. Check it out if you like that sort of thing - it’s in his book “Nocturnes.”

2. Doll heads, particularly the severed kind. In fact, when I was a teenager I used to pop the head off a barbie and dangle it by the hair to watch my best friend freak out. But I always kept the eyes facing away from me. I’m not stupid.

3. Pencil mustaches. Nothing says “child molester” quite like a pencil mustache.

4. Bradford pears. Whores. All of them.

5. Small children who won’t go to bed on time. This is mostly because I hallucinate under the effects of sleep deprivation. I’m convinced that my own children were miniature researchers doing sleep deprivation experiments on me. I don’t know where they put all the data they collected, but I know it wasn’t in their diapers because I searched them thoroughly. Upon reflection, that location probably would have been too obvious. But I digress.

6. Bad vocalists. Especially the kind who don’t know that they’re tone deaf and still insist on getting up in front of a crowd. Great. Now that I’ve thought about this I won’t sleep tonight because I’ll be afraid of having karaoke dreams.

7. The inside of the mind of anyone who would willingly run for political office. There should be public service announcements such as: “This is your brain. This is your brain drunk on the thought of having power and not understanding the full and eternal consequences to the rest of your own life or that of your family members. This is a bad walnut, shriveled and black and a little smelly. No. Switch the last two.”

Now think about what you find creepy and enjoy the scare. Happy Halloween!

Bedtime Stories for Dogs and Cats

2011-10-13T11:12:00.000-07:00

Just in time for the Southern Festival of Books this weekend... two NEW eBooks have been released!

Bedtime Stories for Dogs

A book of stories, poems, fables, and essays written by dogs for dogs. Story topics range from mythology and magic to “tails” of misfortune, adventure, and joy.

Bedtime Stories for Cats

A book of stories, fables, and essays written by cats for cats. Story topics range from cat mythology to “tails” of adventure and magic.

Discover how much fun you can have reading to your pets! The two books have some unique stories and some that are similar but told from a different perspective (either cat or dog). The print version will be available in two weeks and will contain both books bound together.

Please share this post with your friends. A portion of the proceeds from the sale of these books will be donated to no-kill animal shelters.

Versatile Blogger Award

2011-10-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

I’ve been given awards by two of my fellow bloggers, but I’ve been such a slacker that it took me over a week to acknowledge these. I suppose I should clarify that I’ve been busy recording with my band, getting ready to release two books this month, and preparing for the Southern Festival of Books this weekend. So it’s been a little crazy for me lately.

In any event, I would like to thank my buddies Jill Elizabeth and Stuart for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger award. What this means is that I’ve successfully managed to channel my normal scatterbrained ramblings into a palatable stew of words. I really appreciate that these two friends took the time to acknowledge me and I am continuing to spread the love. The rules associated with accepting this award are as follows.

Thank and link the blogger who nominated you (please click on their names above to check out their blogs).
Share seven random facts about yourself.
Spread the love! Pass the award on to five other bloggers. Make sure to contact and congratulate them!

With that said, here are seven random facts about me:

I do not have six toes on my left foot.
I once had a very nice friend named Jennifer with whom I worked.
I convinced most of the office that Jennifer did have six toes on her left foot. Luckily Jennifer never wore sandals.
Jennifer never calls me anymore.
I once had a very nice friend named Shannon with whom I worked.
I convinced most of the office that Shannon was having a secret love affair with Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine. A lot of people still think it’s true.
Shannon tries to avoid me but I know where she lives. I also post on her Facebook page regularly. My posts often reference her relationship with Dave.

Bonus fact: You probably don’t want to work closely with me.

I now pass this award on to five fun filled bloggers who I enjoy reading regularly. Several are book related, but some are just for fun. And some of these blogs are even useful, unlike most of my posts. Please check them out when you have a moment at work and your boss isn't looking.

http://jennifer-daiker.blogspot.com

http://neilostroff.blogspot.com

http://www.besottedwithbooks.net

http://mynameisnotautism.blogspot.com

http://1chocolatebox.blogspot.com

Poetic Justice?

2011-10-04T11:38:00.000-07:00

I recently posted the above photo on Facebook. I admit that I stole it from someone else on Facebook (my buddy Nick) and don’t know the original author. However, I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever seen and a work of genius. People who love books seem to enjoy it, anyway.

Now here’s the funnier part:

Shortly after I posted this photo and laughed my head off I received an email that MTV has licensed two of my band’s songs. What this means is that MTV can use the songs in any of their TV shows, including Jersey Shore. If this happens it would be an excellent example of poetic justice. One, of course, that I would encourage as it involves royalty checks made out to yours truly.

For those of you unfamiliar with poetic justice, it’s a literary device that involves irony. In my case, I poked fun at a TV show and then found out that I may now serve to gain financially from the show (or at the very least from the show’s network) making me something of a hypocrite. Now that’s ironic. And funny.

By the way, I still think the photo is hilarious.

P.S. Check out my band (of which I am the drummer and lyricist) Lucky Munk here.

10 Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than People.

2011-09-20T12:58:00.000-07:00

1.) They don’t give you bad financial advice. In fact, my dog has never interfered with my finances or asked for any gift larger than a slice of pizza.

2.) They never ask if they can date your single friends or if you can set them up with someone. So you never have to worry about how to handle the situation if you’re walking through the park one day and run into other dogs they’ve previously dated.

3.) They don’t brag about how much money they make or what kind of car they drive.

4.) They don’t try to push their belief system on you. Can you imagine your dog scolding you for flushing your poop away instead of rolling in it? I didn’t think so.

5.) They know how to eat and never refuse food because they’re “on a diet.”

6.) They don’t pretend to love work unless they really do love it.

7.) They always tell you that your food is great, no matter what your cooking skills. And they believe it, too.

8.) They’re never too busy for you. Whether you want to play with them or hold them while you cry. Dogs know how to be there with you.

9.) When they’re dying they don’t make demands, try to manipulate people, or make anyone feel guilty over relationships. They don’t ask for memorials or worry about how you’ll remember them. They only ask that you be there with them when they pass away. That’s why I respect them and wish I could be more like them. They know how to love.

10.) They know what’s important and that’s what they focus their lives upon: relationships.

Eight Ways to Procrastinate

2011-09-13T11:56:00.000-07:00

Sure you could troll FaceBook, watch YouTube videos, or surf the Internet, but there are better ways to procrastinate. Here are some of my favorite ways to procrastinate:

1.) Play with dolls. DO NOT under any circumstances take them out of the package. The employees in the toy store get really angry when you do that. Sometimes they even make you buy the dolls.

2.) Make a list of all the restaurants that give you free drinks on your birthday. Then schedule more birthdays for yourself. Get these on your calendar and make sure that you don’t have two scheduled too closely together at the same restaurant. I recommend at least 6 months apart.

3.) Prepare excuses in case you’re caught having two free birthday drinks at the same restaurant in less than a year. For example, “Oh, you must be thinking about my twin brother. He was here six months ago on his birthday.” or “Sorry, I was here with my sister when it was her birthday. Perhaps you remember me from that time, but she was the one who got the free drink.” And so forth.

4.) Set up a FaceBook account for your dog or cat. Next, teach them their password because you’ll never remember it.

5.) Hack my dog’s Facebook account. Once you get in, please send me the password because neither I nor my dog remember it.

6.) Build a new food pyramid out of legos and then write letters to the government on why they should adopt it. The letters should all be done in PowerPoint. No paragraphs or prose, but some poetry will be allowed if it is Haiku or Limerick in format. Encourage the government to write back in the same format, as no other writing style will be considered a serious response to your efforts.

7.) Make a list of your skills and a separate list for your super powers. Elaborate on why you have classified each as such. For example, super human strength is really a skill. Why?

8.) Write a blog about nonsense. (Check that one off my list for today).

Why Deadlines Suck

2011-09-06T11:38:00.000-07:00

I'm behind on a deadline for my book(s), which got me to thinking about how much deadlines suck. To be fair, I think that aligning tasks in a timeline is a good thing. But no one likes deadlines. They're the red headed step child of project management. So it got me thinking about why deadlines suck and what we can do about it.

First of all, nothing with the word “dead” in the title is good. Right off the start the word has a negative connotation. If you want someone to think positively about a deadline then it needs to be rebranded with a more acceptable term other than “dead.” Secondly, deadlines are like ghosts floating in the air trying to frighten people who don’t believe they exist. They’re more annoying than scary.

So here are a few alternative suggestions:

Lifeline

It means the same thing as deadline, but it puts a positive spin on task completion because when you achieve it you’ll really feel “alive!”

Happy Moment

When the task is complete you’re in your “happy moment.” Or maybe the boss is in her happy moment. Either way it sounds positive and uplifting, like a good bra.

Zombieline

Because zombies are “undead” and zombie movies are fun. Let’s transfer these concepts to goal attainment terminology.

Punishment Avoidance Date

This one is self explanatory. However, it still has a slight negative connotation. I give it points for honesty, but it’s not my favorite option. It’s like saying “slightly soiled intestinal tubes” instead of “sausage casing.” See the difference?

Fleeting Moment of Accomplishment

This term evokes honesty and realism. When your boss checks in she can say “Have you reached your fleeting moment of accomplishment yet?” Because as soon as you say yes you know you’ll be getting more work. The moment really is fleeting.

Successful Posterior View

Meaning that when you look back you feel successful if you have reached your goal. Plus this sounds like you’ve been in the gym and have a great butt. Who wouldn’t want that?

Don’t kid yourself. Whatever you call it we’ll all know that you’re lying and trying to sell us sewage scented perfume. Deadlines stink no matter what you call them. But we’ll have a great time laughing at you for using these absurd terms.

Writing Style

2011-08-30T06:41:00.000-07:00

People sometimes ask me about my writing style and I hate to describe myself because I really do write some very diverse material. However, while cruising through some of the other blogs I follow regularly, I came across a website called “I Write Like.”

On this site you can submit a sample of your writing and the site compares your writing to samples from thousands of famous writers in their database. There is some sort of algorithm that looks at your word choice and sentence structure to determine which famous author your writing most resembles. I decided to test this out for fun and got different results for different writing samples. In total, I submitted 5 samples and below is a list of my results. The words in parentheses list where my writing samples came from in order to get the text for comparison.

1.) Vladimir Nabokov (Bedtime Stories for Cats - My latest book that will be out soon.)
2.) Mark Twain (Parson’s Song - Short Story)
3.) James Joyce (Peripheral Witches - Short Story)
4.) Vladimir Nabokov (Conversations with the Moon)
5.) Kurt Vonnegut (My blog post on A Clockwork Orange)

I can’t say whether or not this is valid, but it sure is a lot of fun. I recommend that you use at least a page of your writing. Since two of my book samples were classified as writing like Vladimir Nabokov, I’ll happily accept the comparison. I only started reading his work a few years ago but he’s an excellent writer and I’m flattered to be classified with him.

I write like
Vladimir Nabokov

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

I also love Kurt Vonnegut and have since I was in the third grade when I read Breakfast of Champions (the book was a gift from my Dad, btw). I’m honored to be listed with Kurt. I really like and respect his work, so I’ll keep this result whether or not it’s true. It doesn’t matter. Sometimes the dream is more important than reality because the dream is what keeps us going so that we can eventually make it a reality.

I write like
Kurt Vonnegut

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

Imaginary Numbers

2011-08-23T04:21:00.000-07:00

People who know me well also know that I love making up words.
For example:
Buttmunchery n. Asinine and pointless behavior designed to annoy others.
Used in a sentence:
“Flagrant buttmunchery will not be tolerated in a corporate setting. All buttmunchery must be, at the very least, thinly disguised to look like a form of colleague development.”

Part of this tendency to make up words comes from my psychological training (psychologists make up words all the time because they got bored stealing from Greek). Anyhow, since I also have a love of numbers and measurement I thought I’d make up a few numbers. Maybe in a few years these will make it into the dictionary just like the term “Gazillion” actually did!

My numbers are:

Oodleplex: infinitely larger than a googolplex. e.g., the number of years it will take congress to agree on how to balance the budget.

Sinfinity: So much freakin’ money that it’s sinful.

Maximillion: The maximum number of millions you can earn before you’re taxed to Sinfinity.

Oopszillion: An enormous amount lost on the stock market. At least the loss will be a tax write-off. But it's still an "oops."

Gatsbyllion: A large sum of money spent trying to woo a lover who never returns your affections. Particularly appropriate if the person of your affection is named after a flower.

Imaginarium: The huge amount that you erroneously believe you will be paid as an honorarium.

Balloonoplex: The difference between the large sum you expected to receive as an honorarium and the actual sum, which is somewhere between Planck’s constant and zero.

Alpha: The amount the top dog makes.

Diggity: A really cool looking number of any amount. It just has to look good and maybe have a groove that makes people want to dance.

Giggleplex: A huge amount received by a lottery winner. Every time these people think about how much money they’ve won it makes them giggle. If they’re lucky it will be greater than oopszillion and somewhere in the vicinity of maximillion.

A Clockwork Orange: An Ingenious Allegory of the Corporate World

2011-08-16T12:01:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading A Clockwork Orange. I know that a lot of people find this book confusing because it contains made up words, a ton of violence, and deviant minds. Sound familiar? Yes, it’s a lot like the corporate world. If you look at the book through this lens it quickly makes a lot of sense. Think of the main character Alex as a CEO and his droogies as fellow executives. Follow my logic here:

1.) Alex is very good at establishing alibis through buying his way into the hearts of poor old fools by convincing them that he’s really a nice guy. The poor old fools in this case represent Congress (or other governing officials, for those outside of the US).

2.) He drinks milk which has the appearance of wholesomeness. However, the drink is laced with some pretty hefty narcotics and our friend Alex is anything but wholesome. Executives are big on appearance and often appear to be in a mind altering state that keeps them from properly viewing reality.

3.) He speaks using made up words. Executives do this all the time. Take for example words such as synergy, re-purpose, monetize, actionable, etc. You get the picture. The business world is full of just as many nonsense words as I found in this book, if not more. In fact, business terminology is slang of the worst sort: devoid of any true meaning.

4.) Note that once Alex has established trust with the poor old fools who will vouch for him, he sets off looking for victims to rape and rob. This is a classic business cliche, but as with most cliches this one contains some truth. Also note that the goofs in the bar continue to vouch for Alex regardless of what Alex has actually done because Alex has bought their loyalty. Sound familiar?

So what can we learn from this book?

~ Bad executives can be very dangerous to society.
~ I think the point above pretty much sums it all up.
~ However, I’m going to put an extra bullet here to make my point appear more substantial

Without giving away the plot (for those of you who haven’t yet read the book), the moral of the tale can be summarized in the words of the prison chaplain: “Goodness is something chosen.” Ergo, expecting or even legislating moral behavior in executives is likely to be an exercise in futility. The best we can do is to lock them away to protect society until they grow up and learn to behave like responsible people.

You could say that I’m reading too much into this book. But at least I read it.

Best Job Interview Questions and Assessments

2011-08-09T11:22:00.000-07:00

I’ve interviewed a lot of people for both regular full time, part time, and freelance jobs. I like to ask interesting and creative questions during the process to see how the applicants respond. This often tells me more about the person than the standard “tell me about your employment history” types of questions. So today I’m sharing some of my favorite interview questions and assessment tests.

As a brief disclaimer to make my attorney happy: In no way am I saying these assessments are legal, should be asked under any circumstances, or admitting that I’ve actually asked any of them. Now, with that out of the way, let’s mess with a few imaginary job applicants and ask them the following:

1.) “Do you believe that women have souls?”
I got this question from the book “Cold Comfort Farm” and thought it was so good that I added it to my list of interview questions. I like to examine the applicant’s reaction. The best answer I received was from a psychologist. He replied, “I know they do because my wife tells me so.”

2.) “Please bend this spoon with your mind.”
That’s all you say. Then set a plastic spoon down in front of the person. Next, pick up a stopwatch, click the start button, and then stare at the person patiently. Keep glancing back at the watch and pretend to make notes.

3.) “Each of my personalities refuses to believe that the others exist. How would you handle the situation if two of them gave you conflicting assignments with the same deadline?”
This is really a good situational test to see how an individual would handle stress on the job. In addition, anyone who dismisses the question as absurd is demonstrating a lack of creativity and should be eliminated from consideration for the job.

4.) “How many fairies does it take to change a lightbulb?”
The correct answer: none. They use their wands to light the room so lightbulbs are irrelevant. I know it seems too obvious, but I’m amazed at how many people get this one wrong. Really good applicants will ask “What color light?” before giving an answer.

5.) “Do you see dead people?”
Some people get freaked out by this question, but this skill could be extremely useful in the workplace. Dead people often have information and insight that the living don’t have. Rare information is also often valuable to living people with credit cards.

I have a lot more "alleged" questions and assessments, but this is probably enough to get you all started on making up your own. Soon you’ll see how much fun it is to interview job candidates and you’ll want to hire someone every week. Think of this blog post as my contribution to the economy.

All I Want From Modern Science

2011-08-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

Scientists are busy researching all kinds of things. Some of these studies I really wonder about, such as whether or not people sleep more when they’re depressed (seriously - someone had to do a study to know this was true?). I won’t even get into all the completely absurd government funded studies out there. Instead, I’m going to discuss the things I want Science to validate or prove within my lifetime. These are things that would make life better for almost everyone, so they’re worth the time and funding it will take to prove them.

So here’s my list of scientific facts that I would like proven to be true:

1. Coffee is a miracle food. In fact, it’s so good for you that you can’t get enough of it. I’m not really sure what it does, it’s just so awesome that doctors will stop recommending that people drink water and will start recommending coffee.

2. Drinking tequila reverses gray hair back to it’s youthful color. Maybe it removes wrinkles, too.

3. Bacon makes you smarter. After this finding is published people will then have a choice: Do you want to be skinny or smart? That’s free will.

4. Beer saves marriages. Especially dark beer. The more beer you drink the happier your marriage will be. If you don’t like beer then wine is an acceptable substitute. I put this one in here for my husband since he loves beer. Do you see how happy it makes him to be married to me because I put this on this list? Science, I’m giving you data here. This is a freebie. You can thank me later. However, I can’t do everything for you -- so get moving!

5. Cinnamon rolls with icing cure cancer. They just should. Cancer is horrible so the cure should be wonderful.

6. Dogs hold the keys to the ultimate truths of the universe. I really like this one because I trust dogs. They’re very reliable. However, scientists will never be able to uncover this truth because they don’t know how to roll on the floor or scratch behind the ears correctly. Dogs don’t tell their secrets to just anyone, you know - especially the secrets of the Universe.

7. Cheese cleanses the soul. In fact, the stinkier the cheese the better it works. No one can harbor hatred or feel ill will when they’re tasting a great cheese. It’s impossible. And if you share that stinky cheese with friends the effect is even stronger. Especially if that friend is me. So stop worrying abut your arteries and start worrying about your soul.

8. Lingerie models are really robots. That’s the real secret that Victoria is hiding. Nothing human could possibly be that thin and pouty all the time.

9. You are more likely to get promoted or get a salary increase on your current job if you eat chocolate every day. It’s like a vitamin for your wallet. Don’t go broke. Grab a bon-bon for the sake of financial security.

10. Fajita Nachos and Margaritas are the cure for the common cold.

I think that should keep science busy for awhile. I’m not asking for much. I’m just asking for science to tell me what I want to hear. After all, corporations do it all the time and manage to get funding for it.

Summer NAMM 2011

2011-07-26T05:49:00.000-07:00

Last week I attended the Summer NAMM (The National Association of Music Merchants) show here in Nashville. This is the show where a ton of music vendors come and whore their wares to music stores, artists, and other unsuspecting buyers of musical merchandise. I leaned a lot while I was there. For example, guitarists need special lotion and if they don’t use it their hands will not channel their soulfulness into their music accordingly. The irony is that I thought I was a terrible guitarist. Turns out I was just using the wrong hand lotion.

In addition, I had no idea how much musical kitsch was out there. I’m not talking about bags, shirts, and other stuff with logos on it. I’m talking about really tacky useless things like pick holders shaped like a pewter dragon and playing cards with sharps and flats on them.

The great part about the show is that a lot of the instrument vendors set up drum sets and cymbals and they shove sticks into your hands as you walk by them. You can try the latest models of drums and percussion instruments from just about every brand out there. This is how I learned one of the most important lessons at the NAMM show: sitting behind the wrong drum set can make you look fat. So here are a few tips to help my fellow drummers look good on stage:

1. Choose the right color of drums. Dark drums are slimming. Avoid spiral designs or anything with stripes, regardless of whether the stripes are vertical or horizontal.

2. You need a pretty low BMI to pull off white drums. Avoid them unless you’re already exceptionally thin.

3. The larger the drums, the thinner you look sitting behind them. If you’re a portly drummer, you may also want to consider adding extra toms because you will look smaller when dwarfed by the volume around you.

If you are particularly self conscious of your weight, add a gong behind you. Large gongs will distract the audience from your waistline. The shimmer can also be hypnotic to viewers.

Cymbals represent who you are. These are the accessories that no drummer can live without. Large glossy symbols are the most slimming, but take into account the color and finish of your drums so that the cymbals don’t clash.

Finally, once you’ve narrowed down your choice of drums based on these criteria, you can then listen to how they sound.

Enough of this fun. What I really learned at NAMM is that there are much better sounding cymbals out there than the ones I’m currently using. I now suffer from cymbal envy. However, therapy for this condition can be quite expensive. In fact, I’m pretty sure that it’s cheaper just to buy some really nice cymbals. Problem solved.

More Band Names

2011-07-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

I’ve been pretty busy with my band Lucky Munk, so I’ve fallen behind on a few things. By the way, a clean house is a luxury and not a necessity. Also, deadlines on things like book manuscripts really should be flexible if the author is in a band.

So, since I’ve been busy with my band I thought that this week I would share a few more of the band names I’ve developed that have yet to be adopted by the up and coming in the music scene. So here they are.

The Deadbeats
This is a group of unemployed drummers. Their slogan: “We may be lifeless, but we've got rhythm.”

Preposterous
This was my first choice for my own band before I was told that it was “too difficult to spell.” But think about introducing the band during gigs: “Thank you, Ladies and Gentleman. We are Preposterous!” I still think it would make a great name.

The Hollow Bodies
A group of zombie jazz guitarists. Sort of a Kiss thing, but with a jazzier sound and maybe less spandex. Or more spandex. Let me think about that one.

The Eclectrics
A techno-pop group that plays a wide variety of tunes and genres. They are eclectic and electric. I find that when you don’t know what else to do just smash two similar words together and everything seems to work itself out. Sort of like puberty.

Rat Sass
This group probably has to be a metal band because the word “rat” doesn’t work as well in other genres. However, this has the best marketing potential of all the names I’ve come up with so far. Slogan: “Show people you care about them and give them a Rat Sass CD.” Say it out loud. You’ll get it sooner or later. Rat Sass could probably tour with The Pancake Maggots.

For those of you who missed it, my first post on band names is here.

The Return of the Daily Dave

2011-07-12T14:01:00.000-07:00

A few years ago I had a mailing list called The Daily Dave. Here’s how it worked:
First I searched the Internet for quotes from Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine. Luckily, Dave has done a lot of interviews so there’s plenty of material out there. Next, I took the quote out of context and applied it to a business situation. In other words, I would quote Dave’s words precisely but way out of context.

Why did I do this? First of all, the results were pretty hilarious. Secondly, Metal music and the business world have far more in common that one would initially think. See my last post for more on this topic. In fact, I would love to get with Dave and write a book on the subject. So without further ado and in response to the fans of the Daily Dave who are reading this blog, this week I’m posting this just for you.

A short disclaimer to loyal fans of the Daily Dave who really want it back: The Daily Dave is not permanently returning. But it may periodically visit this blog. After all, the Daily Dave and I spent several years together. We’ve bonded. So without further ado... see below and witness the magic and wisdom of the Daily Dave:

And maybe just one more for fun:

What Spinal Tap Has to Teach Us About Business

2011-07-05T12:29:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of business books out there with self-proclaimed experts telling us what we should or shouldn’t do in the corporate world. However, in my 20 years of experience I’ve discovered that the best business advice comes from the school of Metal and the movie Spinal Tap serves as an excellent example of these principles.

What Spinal Tap has to teach us about business:

1. Don’t jump into bed with the first company that asks for a merger. You could wind up with herpes. Sure some companies and their profit margins look enticing. But what other diseases will they bring into your culture or financial statements?

2. You may lose your drummer repeatedly, but the show will go on (as much as I hate to admit it). Some people may appear to be instrumental to your success (pun intended). However, in business everyone is replaceable. In fact, I’ve discovered that the people who appear irreplaceable are more skilled in promoting their value than in actually providing value to the organization. Thus, the people who appear to be essential to your success may be the least valuable of all your employees. Perceived value and actual value are two different things. A well structured and healthy organization is not dependent upon a few key people. If you think that your organization is going to crumble if you lose specific people, then it’s very likely to crumble even if those people stay.

3. You can detail all your plans and track progress, but a simple thing like one little typo can have a dramatic effect and leave you with a tiny, toy Stonehendge instead of the dramatic prop you intended. No one should be too proud to have their work checked. It’s easy to overlook small details that can make a big difference. In fact, I appreciate my editors for helping me with these things because I know they make me look better (FYI - I am a notoriously poor typist and make horrendous typing mistakes all the time). So build this into your project timelines and don’t just concern yourself with getting a product to market quickly. Speed is not an acceptable alternative to accuracy.

4. Someone is going to get trapped in the pod eventually. Insert “boiler room” or “creative accounting error” in place of “pod.” All the same. Sooner or later we all wind up in a situation that we didn’t create. Remember this when you decide to play the blame game. It’s always better to simply solve the problem and move on than to worry about finding someone to pay the price for a mistake. You could just as easily wind up in a pod that you didn’t build and be blamed for not emerging on stage on cue.

P.S. For those of you who were looking for a Daily Dave in this post... this is merely a prelude. For those of you who don’t know about the Daily Dave, please check back next week for an explanation and example.

My Birthday Wish List

2011-06-28T06:06:00.000-07:00

My birthday just passed and several people asked me what I wanted as a gift (I don’t judge my friends by timeliness). I’m putting together a list list because even if you don’t know me you may know someone like me and this could be a great resource for gift ideas. For those of you who already bought me a gift, bookmark this for next year.

So here’s my list:

1. Cicadas to be gone for good. They didn’t listen to my advice in my previous blog, so quite frankly I’m getting a little tired of the bad house guests. Plus their grubs are ugly.
2. A cold front, preferably with snow. Yes, I know it’s June and that’s what makes this such a great gift. If I asked for this in December it wouldn’t mean as much. The bottom line: How much do you love me?
3. Move Boston closer to Nashville. I like visiting that city but don’t get there very often because it’s so far away. If someone moved it closer I could visit more often.
4. Write a song with Paul McCartney. And maybe have lunch.
5. I want my dog to be in charge of customer service everywhere I shop. She knows how to put things in order and she has a strong desire to see me happy. This makes her my ideal salesperson. Plus she might bite other customers I find annoying. That’s a bonus.

Well, this list should get you started. You have an entire year to make the appropriate arrangements, so I won’t be accepting excuses. And while I’m on the subject of arrangements, I’d just like to add that I will be turning 21 again next year so my husband will be taking me out drinking to celebrate this milestone (as he does every year, God bless him!). Since my daughter will not be old enough to be our designated driver for another year we’ll be looking for a volunteer for this position. A valid driver’s license is required.

My First Vocal Recording Session

2011-06-14T05:01:00.000-07:00

I spent last Saturday in the studio with my band Lucky Munk assisting the engineer and producer with vocal tracks for our first recording. I wasn’t singing (so you can all relax), but as the drummer in the group I was allowed into the session to provide creative input. So I made my input as creative as I could.

First of all, I gave good tips on tonal quality to the vocalist such as “You sounded a little like Kermit the Frog on that take” and “I’m still hearing Kermittone in your voice” or “I need a little more Fozzy here.” The Muppets are universal, by the way, so they provide an excellent reference for making a point. I also gave good advice such as “How about if you sing the lyrics on the sheet in front of you?” And I made sure to be supportive and told the vocalist how hot his butt looks when he’s singing because you’ve got to keep building the vocalist’s confidence no matter how much he asks, “but how did I sound?”

One of the coolest things about being in the studio is that on the computer you can see the sound waves as they’re being created on every take. As a visual person, I loved this. These were like little Rorschach ribbons endlessly spooling. We voted on which take was the best and while other people would say “number 4” or “number 7” I kept in mind that I was there for creative input and said, “I like the one that looks like two birds kissing” or “the one that looks like an evil sandwich.”

While we were recording, I also took the opportunity to ask a lot of questions of the Producer, such as, “Why do you take another aspirin after every time I speak?” (The answer, by the way, was “You have a natural ability to remind me that I need to reduce my stress level.). And, “Are those really aspirin? Because I don’t think you should be taking so many of them.” He just smiled politely, so I’m not sure how well he speaks English. He didn’t have an accent, but you can never tell.

Another tip in case you’re ever in the control room during a recording session. The producer likes it when you agree with him. He kept mentioning (and at odd times, like when things were very intense) that it would be nice if we had someone who could run to Starbucks and get coffee such as someone who was not producing or engineering. I always agreed and said, “Yes, it’s too bad we don’t have someone like that who also isn’t providing creative input.” Then the producer and engineer would smile at each other and that’s how I knew that I was doing the right thing by agreeing with him.

I was not in the control room on Sunday when guitar parts were recorded. Apparently, they had all the creative input they could handle for one weekend.

Here’s the link to the song we finished. WARNING: The contents of this MP3 may contain elements of Jazz and/or Blues. Listeners sensitive to these harmonies should proceed with caution. If you or someone in the room with you is adversely affected by the sound of a hollow body guitar, you may want to turn down the volume before clicking the link.

You can also go to our FaceBook page and leave comments on what you liked or didn’t like about the song. We really do want some feedback. And if you like what we’re doing or feel that the drums sound awesome, please also “like” our Facebook page. We appreciate it.

Some People Call It an “Accident” I Call It “Genetics.”

2011-06-10T04:04:00.000-07:00

Last night I was taking my daughter to a political roundtable discussion (you know how teenagers love those things). As we were walking into the building we were in a crosswalk with a crowd of other people when a hotel van suddenly lurched into reverse and slammed into my left shoulder knocking me over. I immediately recalled that a ery similar event happened to me almost exactly 20 years ago when I was crossing the street in downtown Nashville and a city bus swerved into the crosswalk hitting me in the left shoulder.

In both of these instances I was in a crowd where no one else was hit but me and I was in the area designated for pedestrians crossing with traffic. I also recalled that my grandfather was killed when he was walking on the side of a country road where the only car within miles swerved off the road to knock him 25 feet into a corn field.

So this started me thinking. It must be genetic. In both cases where I was hit no one else in the crowd was touched, but my left shoulder was irresistible to the vehicle in question. The car that killed my grandfather had to leave the road to hit him. Magnetic attraction. So, like my grandfather, moving vehicles are drawn to something in my blood that makes them want to touch me hard enough that I notice them. Quite frankly, I’m flattered. However, that doesn’t mean that I will be less cautious. They may be affectionate, but they're still dangerous.

The only other explanation I can think of is that my left shoulder has an uncontrollable addiction to moving vehicles. Possible. But unlikely. I’m going with genetics on this one.

Advice for Cicadas

2011-06-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

I have a little neighborly advice for the Cicadas who have recently moved into my neighborhood. I know that some people are really upset with the little guys, so I thought I might be of some assistance in helping them to acclimate to the world that has changed since their last visit 13 years ago. With a little effort, I think we can all get along here.

One of the key issues stems from a lack of understanding concerning politeness. Behaviors that are perfectly acceptable in entomological society may not be appropriate around humans and vice versa. So when you weigh the appropriateness of my advice, please remember that we are in the South and that manners matter here. It can make a huge impact on how well you’re accepted. Bear this in mind as you read on.

First of all, swarming is not considered attractive in polite society. It shows a complete disregard for personal space. Unless you’re a hot looking groupie (subjective, I know) falling all over a rock star, swarming is generally not a desirable trait. Keep a little space and try to avoid accidentally flying into the orifices of strangers (unless the stranger is a rock star who likes that sort of thing).

Next, try to keep the noise down. I don’t speak your language or know what you’re saying, but everyone clicking at once creates more tension and confusion. So try not to talk all at once because you sound like a giant, drunk rattlesnake when you do this. In fact, your conversations often sound like a frat party with maracas.

Eating decorative plants, dropping your larvae in public places, molting where people may be eating, and dying en masse on someone’s front porch are all behaviors which are generally frowned upon. In addition, simply showing up every thirteen years is not the same as calling ahead for a reservation.

I know that this can be overwhelming all at once, so to help you keep track of appropriate and inappropriate behavior I have constructed a simple list below:

Dive bombing cars by hurling yourself at them on the interstate: Not polite.
Eating decorative wreaths: Not polite
Flying down a shirt without an invitation: Not polite.
Dying in large groups on your neighbors porch: Not polite.

Calling ahead for a reservation to swarm trees: Polite.
Dressing up for dinner: Polite
Playing “Quiet Mouse” for your entire six week visit: Polite
Wearing mascara to tone down your ghoulishly orange eyeballs: Polite
Keeping your pincers to yourself at all times: Polite

In summary, Cicadas, if you want to be welcomed on your next visit, try some traditional courtesy. The results can be lifechanging. For example, instead of thinking of you as a nuisance, some people might even think you were cool.

When Rebranding Doesn't Work

2011-05-24T09:09:00.000-07:00

I recently came across a company where the IT Helpdesk had been internally rebranded and the name changed several times over the past 6 or 8 years. The department first decided to eliminate the term “helpdesk” from their name because the internal customers had started referring to them as the “no-helpdesk.” They later again changed the department name to “Internal Services for Information Technology” because they wanted to emphasize the service aspect of their role in the organization. It wasn’t long before employees began referring to the department as “i-Shit” by adding an H into the acronym. Does anyone else see the real issue here?

The problem was never with the department name. The real issues were the processes and actions that created the negative connotations. These were never fully addressed in the rebranding efforts. Sure there was customer services training and service metrics were implemented. But the department employees reverted back to their old behavior and found ways to push their service numbers because they were quantity driven and not quality ratings. The attitude and culture of the department stayed the same, so they maintained the same level of customer service (or lack of it) they always had in the past.

So, long story short: we can change our terms and educate our employees or customers, but if we don’t change the processes then we’re wasting time and money in order to rebrand something that will sooner or later carry the connotation of the old brand again. Because it’s the same thing. And people are smart enough to figure that out.

Remember:

Good rebranding does’t try to convince people that something isn’t what it really is. Or that it is what it isn’t. People can see through semantic games. Certain cable and phone companies may want to save this post and re-read it from time to time. I’m not mentioning any names because they will probably change them in their next rebranding effort, anyway.

The Story Behind the Stories

2011-05-17T07:04:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know, I just released a collection of three short stories called "Leftover Shorts."

Leftover Shorts was named that way because it really is a collection of leftovers: these are three stories I wrote because I liked the concepts behind them. None of these stories fits neatly into the two collections I’m currently working on, so they’re “Leftovers.” That doesn’t mean that I love these children any less but, like all strange relatives, they may need a little explaining. So here’s how I came about the idea for these three oddballs...

The Marshmallow War

Too often I see experienced workers and their body of institutional knowledge being ignored within organizations. So I had to make fun of it. I set the story in a Marshmallow company where the inexperienced new manager thinks that if a little of something is good (fluffiness) then a lot must be even better. This story is about how the mature workers resolve their situation through some not so mature (yet creative) means. When I re-read this story I feel like it has a slight Kurt Vonnegut feel to it, so I may have been reading some of his work when I was writing it. Let me know if you agree with the influence or if I’m imagining it.

Peripheral Witches

I was definitely in a Tim Burton mood when I put this together. The premise is that we see all kinds of evil in something that we don’t fully examine - in other words, when we don’t look at it head on. The woman in the story sees witches in her peripheral vision. The images vanish whenever she looks directly at them and she begins to think that she’s going crazy. It doesn’t occur to her until the end that maybe she’s projecting her own bitterness onto these things. The story is set during Prom time (which it currently is right now!) because Proms have a very fairy tale nature about them. I thought it would be fun to weave this theme together with the fairy tale of the witches that the main character is creating in her mind.

Parson’s Song

There is an old folk tune called “MacPherson’s Lament.” The legend states that the criminal MacPerson composed his own lament (song of mourning) on the gallows right before he was to be hanged. I’ve updated the setting from old Scotland and put it in the more recent South. The main character, Billy Parson, is fodder for small town gossip and superstition based local beliefs surrounding when he was born. Billy, himself doesn't know how to interpret or whether to believe the superstition, but it still impacts the choices he makes in life.

So that’s the story behind the stories. Now please go purchase them for the low, low price of 99 cents. If you like them, recommend them to a friend. If you dislike them, recommend them to an enemy. Either way I’d appreciate a referral. Thank you!

Click here buy the book for Amazon Kindle.

Click here to buy the book in other formats such as PDF, Sony Reader, Kobi, Palm, etc.

You are Statistically Significant

2011-05-04T04:12:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I was asked about statistical significance and what it really means. This is a concept that often causes confusion for people, so I thought I’d write something for the average person that doesn’t go into too much statistical jargon using words like “rejection region” or “alpha.” Rejection region, by the way, sounds more like the back corner of a discount store where they put the damaged goods on clearance. But it’s a real statistical term and I wouldn't make fun of it because it has a lot of powerful friends who could gang up on me.

So here’s the concept of statistical significance in plain English: It means that there is a consistent difference that is not likely to be caused by accident. It doesn’t mean that the difference is automatically huge or that every observation in one group is different from every observation in the second group. The groups could overlap in content and still be significantly different based on the averages. Statistically significant differences are not necessarily meaningful, either. Think about a five cent difference in cost. This could be statistically significant but still not sway a person to buy the item that is five cents cheaper. So, to sum it up, statistical significance just means that the two groups are consistently different. In other words, the difference (however large or small) is real and probably not due to chance.

Bearing this in mind, I want you all to know that every one of you is statistically significant to me. I check how many people read my blog each week and I know that you are different from other people because you took the time to read this. Knowing that you’ve been here also makes me smile. So this is for you:

5 Things the Easter Bunny Could do to Improve His Business Model

2011-04-25T04:19:00.000-07:00

We all love Easter, but the holiday may be in danger due to some potential mismanagement issues. My advice isn’t new, but I think it’s about time that someone said it to the Easter Bunny directly.

Hopping from place to place is an outdated an inefficient mode of transportation. Invest in something a little faster and more efficient. Speed is, of course, paramount, but also remember that bunnies are not very tall so make sure the vehicle is low to the ground so that you can get in and out quickly.
It’s difficult to make a profit when you give away everything for free. This is a very poor and self destructive business model. You should be charging for your services or consumers will devalue the content you provide. I strongly suggest that you start accepting all major credit cards or set up an account with PayPal to get payment in advance of the holiday. Since children have been accustomed to receiving the goods for free they may by initially resistant to payment. Time for tough love.
Expand your market to include others besides children. Parents are the next logical market because of their close relationship with your current market segment. Some product tie-ins may be things like ear plugs to block out the noise of rowdy children hyped up on excessive sugar. These could be included in a nice basket that also contains bottles of aspirin, antacids, bath salts, and perhaps a little whiskey to help mom and dad get through the holiday.
Focusing on one event a year will not sustain your business on a daily basis. You simply need more Easters. While you could create other streams of revenue, such as new holidays, the cost of product development will eat you alive before the holidays become viable sources of income.
You can’t be everywhere at the same time, so we all know that you have a number of bunnies in your employment. This is overhead. Bunnies also tend to have large families. Insuring these ever growing rabbit families is extremely expensive. In addition, you’re probably carrying some hefty accidental death and dismemberment premiums on these extra bunnies because of the risk involved in such things as crossing busy streets in the dark while being under 12 inches tall and entering houses with dogs. It would be prudent to find a way to automate the process of basket delivery or outsource the work to a third party. Of course, this would also mean that kids would get their baskets the Friday before or the Monday after the holiday to accommodate the delivery schedule of these carriers. However, this would also solve the issue in point number 1 above concerning hopping. Think about it.

I could go on, but I’ll stop here so that you can consider my advice. This is textbook stuff, Mr. Easter Bunny. Wake up and smell the carrots before your business goes under. We care about your holiday. It’s about time that you did.

Should Life be ISO 9000 Certified?

2011-04-19T18:27:00.000-07:00

The purpose of the ISO 9000 certification program is to imbed quality and efficiency into business processes so that manufacturers produce better quality goods and more satisfied customers.

So why aren’t more things ISO 900 certified? It seems to me that there are things outside of business that could benefit from this sort of “stamp of approval.” Below is my list of suggestions.

Parenthood. This is at the top of my list because every parent I’ve known has asked for a manual to help them raise kids. What if the process were streamlined so that you knew exactly the right thing to do in every situation?
Dating. What if you knew that your date was ISO 9000 certified so that you could expect everything to go perfectly? The man would bring the right kind of flowers and you’d go to the best restaurants and never have to wait too long. Everything would be standardized including the amount of cleavage the woman was expected to reveal in her outfit.
Churches. This could be a huge bonus to churches who want to grow. Think about what it would mean if your church could say: “85% of our congregation reaches Heaven. Results you can believe in!”

These are just a few of my ideas. Fantasy? Sure. Life has no guarantees. But the thought of trying to put a guarantee on it makes me laugh and that improves the quality of my life.

I've Been Making Up Band Names Again...

2011-04-12T10:01:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite hobbies is making up potential names for rock bands. Actually, it’s more of an addiction. Since I can’t seem to land my dream job of working in A&R somewhere that pays a lot and expects very little of me, here’s a few of the band names I've created:

Funky Cupcake

This is an all girl band. They could even be drag queens wearing pink tights.

Pancake Maggots

Metal band. No other type of band could pull off “Maggots” in the name as well.

Cheap Therapy

This one is actually being used right now by a group of guys who get together and play oldies for fun. If they ever make any money I am going to ask for 10% based on naming rights.

Ban Jovi

A Bon Jovi tribute band that’s all banjo. It would sound like this: Click Here.

Actually, I think this is ridiculous, but I thought the clip was too hilarious to leave it off the list. Play it again!!!

London Unleashed

My dog was named after Jack London and she has a very rock and roll attitude, so she deserves to have a band named after her. I have no other reason for picking this name.

Holy Shift

A Christian rock band who really wants to make a difference in the world and not just play music. They would manifest the love of God in such dramatic ways that the whole world would stop and say, “Holy Shift! Love really does change everything for the better!”

Bonus clip: I wrote the lyrics for a song called Megatistics. It’s written in the musical style of Megadeth but with statistical lyrics. This might be a future cut on the Pancake Maggots CD.

Click here to listen to Megatistics.

The Bradford Pear: A Whore Among Trees.

2011-04-05T11:02:00.000-07:00

Not a fan of the Bradford Pear. I know these are hugely popular trees, but I have never liked them. I don’t mind the fact that they’re ornamental fruit trees that never bear fruit (although I try not to think about how they got that way). But I’ve always known that there was something just wrong about them and then it occurred to me that these trees are basically the equivalent of arboreal prostitutes.

Follow my logic:

They tend to congregate along streets, just like streetwalkers.
They promiscuously flower, attracting all kinds of vermin.
Deer love to scandalously strip the leaves and expose the limbs, specially on the lower portion.
They don’t produce anything - people purchase them simply for pleasure (they just want to look at it. Right.).
The blooms smell like rotting fish. (Disclaimer: I have not gotten close enough to very many prostitutes to know what they smell like, on average.)

I think that pretty much sums it up. It’s no wonder that the moral fiber of our society is falling apart with Bradford Pears on every corner. And yes, I did Photoshop the scarlet letter onto the picture below to drive my point home.

Interviewing Advice

2011-03-29T04:34:00.000-07:00

Research has shown that people who present themselves well during an interview are more likely to be hired. If convincing others exactly how they should think about you isn’t your primary skill (it certainly isn’t mine), don’t panic. You don’t have to be able to manipulate others in order to get hired. I’ve put together a few tips to help you get through the interview process.

Dress professionally. When in doubt, dress more conservatively. Don’t gamble that the office is a casual dress environment if you aren’t positive. Even when you know that dress is casual, remember that some hiring managers and HR representatives prefer to see well dressed candidates because they feel like those candidates are serious about getting the job. You always want to convey that you’re interested in that job in that company.

Be polite to everyone. More and more offices are letting coworkers weigh in on hiring decisions. The theory behind this approach is that it leads to a more cohesive team after the person is hired. So take the time to learn everyone’s name - write down the names in your notes to help you remember, if needed. Treat everyone with respect and take the time to ask them questions. If you can get the others to talk about themselves they are more likely to form a favorable opinion of you.

Smile occasionally. I know this is difficult to do when you’re nervous, but if you can find a way to get yourself to smile it can help the interviewers to form a better opinion of you than if you never smile. In addition, smiling can create a more positive environment to help both you and the interviewer to relax more.

Honesty is always the best policy. You may be lacking in an area of experience or you may have just finished working for the boss from hell and are worried about how this could make you look during the interview. Remember that HR representatives are good with people - most of them know how to engage and they relate well to other people. Sometimes they do this a little too well (they can come off as organizational cheerleaders). Because HR professionals tend to have this in their personalities, they’re also pretty good at telling when someone is uncomfortable or trying to avoid an answer. When they see that you’re uncomfortable they may not be able to tell whether you’re lying or why you might be doing so. That’s why your best option most of the time is to be honest and come clean. You have a better chance of making it to the next round of interviews if you’re honest than if the HR professionals see behavior that indicates you’re hiding something.

Never speak poorly about a former employer or manager. At one time or another we’ve all worked for incompetent monsters or worse. I’ve been in too many companies and I know the odds are in your favor that you’ve had a bad experience with a boss. Keep in mind my previous point (honesty is the best policy), but don’t let your emotional experience of the situation dictate your words. When asked about these experiences, it’s best to explain that you had a difference of opinion and mention any constructive ways that you worked on the situation. This approach is more likely to make you look like a problem solver than a resentful person.

Finally, remember that finding a job is process and it’s always about moving forward. Due to the nature of how the process works, you’re always going to be rejected more times than you’re offered a position. Don’t take the rejection personally and don’t let it stop you from moving on to the next opportunity. You will only get there if you keep moving towards it.

Resume Advice 3: Help the Recruiter

2011-03-23T10:42:00.000-07:00

Recruiters are looking at a lot of resumes when they attempt to fill a job position. You stand a better chance of getting an interview if you do a few things to help them out when you send in your resume. The best thing you can do to help them is to make it easy for them to find the information for which they’re looking. What they’re looking for are specific things that are important to being successful on the job they’re trying to fill.

The most important thing you can do is to make it easy to find any experience of yours that is directly relevant to the job. Even if you have all the skills and experience required to do the job, you won’t make it to an interview if that information is buried somewhere on page three.

Other things you can do to help the recruiter:

Make it obvious that you’re right for the job. This means that you should, first of all, organize the contents of your resume neatly and logically. Providing a bulleted list of your strongest job relevant skills right after your headline and before detailing any experience can help gain the attention of the reviewer. The key is to make sure that the bulleted list contains the qualifications for the job.

Make it relevant. Or conversely, don’t include irrelevant information. This clutters up your resume and makes it difficult for the reviewer to find what the person needs to know about you. You may have other great experience, but if it’s not pertinent to the job for which you’re applying, it can keep you from getting an interview. So what information is relevant? Anything in your experience that is also listed in the job posting and where you got your key words (see my earlier posting on key words to learn more about these).

Avoid being vague. While you don’t want clutter on your resume, you do want enough description of the right things. HR professionals can’t find information if you leave it off or if you don’t describe your experience well. Provide enough detail to let them know that you have what it takes to do the job.

Example:

Let’s suppose that you were a fourth grade teacher. “Taught classes in an elementary school” is a vague statement that doesn't convey exactly what you did in order to cram knowledge into those kids’ brains. What did it take to teach those classes? Here are a few examples of how to detail this experience:

Developed curriculum and wrote detailed lesson plans.

Lectured to groups of students.

Created group oriented learning activities to help students build social and team oriented skills.

Wrote multiple choice and essay tests.

Provided developmental feedback to students and created corrective action plans when necessary.

Communicated regularly with parents.

Choose which tasks and responsibilities to emphasize based on the job for which you are applying. In addition, it’s a good idea to keep a master list of all your experience for each job in your history and then choose which tasks to include when applying for specific jobs. This will keep your resume from being too cluttered and make it easier for the recruiter to find information. I know this is extra work on your part, but if you want an interview it’s in your best interest to help the recruiter to see that you have the right experience.

Resume Advice Part 2: Using a Headline to Get Ahead

2011-03-18T08:19:00.000-07:00

The current trend is to have a “headline” on your resume rather than an objective. What’s the difference between these two things? An objective is self focused and tells where you want to go and what you want to do. A headline briefly states your capabilities and accomplishments.

An objective looks like this: “To become part of a world class sales team and build strong customer relationships that result in financial growth for the organization.”

A headline looks like this: “Team oriented business development professional with excellent sales record and strong customer relationship skills.”

Going along with the current trend, my advice is not to include an objective. It sounds cold, but most HR professionals are overworked and don’t really care what you want to accomplish. They only care if you have a realistic chance of being successful in the job they’re trying to fill at this moment. So help them see that you have what it takes to do this job.

The goal is for you to make it easy for the HR person to find the information that is relevant to the job posting so that they understand that you are qualified and deserve a phone interview. A good headline can help you to do this. Match your headline to the job posting to emphasize the aspects of your career or skills that are listed in the job qualifications.

More resume advice to come next week.

Resume Advice: Key Words May be the Key to Your Future

2011-03-16T20:09:00.000-07:00

Since I often get asked for resume advice, I thought this would be a great topic to write about. After all, I do know a lot about HR and selection systems. However, if I put all my resume tips into one posting it would get extremely long, so I’m going to break this into separate posts to make it easier to read.

I’ll begin this series of posts with the most critical issue to getting your resume through the initial screening process and into the hands of a live human being so that you can be considered for a job. When I say “live human being” I’m not inferring that HR departments are staffed by zombies (even if they seem that way at times). The truth is that many HR departments have moved over to using an electronic screening process. This means that in order for your resume to be reviewed by a human it will first be previewed by a machine.

While this process might sound a little crazy to people outside of HR, this has become a standard practice by many HR departments due to the large volume of submitted resumes. In many instances it would be impossible for the HR staff to review the thousands of resumes they receive. Having a machine scan for specific key words is a fair way to make sure that every resume get equal attention and is reviewed using the same yardstick during that initial screening process.

Important: Your resume needs to contain the right key words in order for your application to make it into the next phase of the selection process.

So what are the key words? These vary from job to job and are based on the job requirements. These may be licensure, education, experience, or specific knowledge. Whatever these requirements are will be listed in the job posting and are often blatantly labeled in a list called “job requirements” or “qualifications.” This is why it is critical to customize your resume for each job to which you apply. Make sure that you list all the requirements in the job description for which you have experience. Only the key words need to be present, not the entire phrase.

Below is an example of job experience/ requirements from a job posting on the Internet:

“Strong proficiency in Microsoft Office, Excel and PowerPoint. Self-starter with high energy and initiative to take projects through to completion. Strong ability to multi-task and work in deadline-driven environment. Demonstrate initiative to identify areas for improvement and take the lead to implement changes. Must maintain confidentiality in daily operations and conduct business in a professional manner.”

And here are the key words for which a computer may be scanning: Office, Excel, PowerPoint, Multi-task, meet deadlines, initiative, change implementation. Note that the computer may also scan for variations of these terms.

Don’t panic if you don’t have all the requirements listed in the job posting as part of your experience. The purpose of using the key words is to help identify candidates who meet certain minimum requirements, and not necessarily all the job requirements. Just because a list is provided doesn’t mean that they are using all of the key terms or using them all the same way. For example, not all the key words may be equally weighted, so listing as many as possible doesn’t always get your resume at the top of the list. Some job requirements are considered critical and if you don’t have that particular skill or knowledge your resume will be dropped from the process and never make it to the next stage. For example, many jobs require certification or licensure. For example, if a job posting for a nurse states that R.N. certification is required or essential, then anyone who does not specifically mention that they have this certification will not be considered in the application process.

Finally, don’t ever lie or stretch the truth, because this electronic age makes it easier for HR departments to flag your record for dishonesty if they find an exaggeration on your application. This could prevent you from being considered for the job for which you are applying as well as future positions with that company.

The purpose of using key words is to help quickly identify those applicants who should be looked at more closely. Having these in your resume doesn't guarantee that you’ll get the job, but it can increase your chances of getting an interview.

The Reluctant Blogger

2011-03-11T07:00:00.001-08:00

For several years I've been encouraged to start a blog, but I've resisted. The reasons are numerous and I'm very capable of making up new ones at any moment. My logic was as follows:

1. There appear to be more blogs than people to read them and blogs have become the flotsam of cyberspace.

2. I have two audiences: one that reads my business writing/ research and the other that reads my fiction. Creating a blog could easily confuse and possibly scare either of these audiences when they see the other half of my personality.

3. I don't have a lot of free time.

So why am I here? Due to the persuasiveness of a few people I have decided to give this a try. So for that handful of people I've finally given in. After all, they deserve something for being loyal enough to buy my books.

So here’s how I've rationalized the above issues:

1. I realize that there are a lot of other blogs out there and that not everyone will be interested in what have to say. I'm here for the people who actually want to hear from me.

2. I'll be writing on different topics and hopefully I can explain myself well enough to keep people from getting confused. That also means that some groups of people may like certain posts more than others. I'm okay with that and you should be, too. Just because someone is an author doesn't mean that every word the person writes is worth reading. The content has to be relevant to you at that stage of your life. I don't expect everyone to be hanging on my every word all the time.

3. I will not be making daily posts. My goal is to post once a week to keep this within my means.

With all that said, welcome to my contribution to the pollution of cyberspace!